First Blog on Blogspot

This is my lifes main events to date,there is lots not included,such as being shot,blown up,washed overboard 3 times,and having a serious skull fracture which left me comotose a few days,short term mem loss and the consequences of a life of Meniérés disease,in fact...if I had been a cat in a previous life,I've used 8 of them hahaha,still lots of conversational things lol...I put it so people can maybe understand the REAL me,its not a attraction for sympathy,or pity,I never wanted, asked, nor got any,and I suppose,others have similar,or worse stories to tell....everything I did,,,I did alone,I join these sites hoping maybe to find a companion,but its doubtful.
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Going to try to get it as brief as poss......
After a childhood of abuse/cruelty/starvation and branding with hot irons from my Mother(read the book 'a child called it' )...my father being divorced from her due to her working as a 'bar girl'throughout the war years.... I begged her to allow me to join the Royal Navy...
She agreed on the condition I sent all my money home to her....I had an awful childhood bullied cos obviously I smelt and was scruffy....so the navy was a lonely place too,being not able to make friends as I wasn't use to mixing...neither did I have the money to join them.
After I had joined the Royal Navy as a youngster to escape abuse at home...(the conditions that I joined was that under written contract,I had to send almost all my money home by allotment book,to my mother) at 18 I met and fell in love with a WREN called ****,she was stationed at the Navy base nearby,we soon became inseperable...I was so madly in love to the point of her name tattood on my chest. She came from a privelaged family,her father being the chairman of the ******* ********** all her family were in business one way or another,but they all took to me like a duck to water.
Our engagement saw us receiving gifts galore from mostly her friends ( I had not made many through my childhood abuse making me unable to mix) and blank cheques from her family to get our home together..it was a beautiful apartment,with everything you could hope for,it was 1966...5 weeks before our planned wedding day,I sensed something was wrong...I coaxed and cojuled untill she agreed to meet,previously we met almost nightly when not on duty, She told me she had been offered a Navy commission...in those days,influential families were offered officer status,it was,and still is,in places,class related. She agreed that she couldnt mix marriage and a career (dont forget it was 66 and service life was VERY differant)so she chose a career.
I was gutted,we said goodbye outside her navy base,me throwing the ring away that she returned to me,I went back to my ship,and tried to kill myself,this sadness was just more heaped at the time,on my sad life,and too much to take.
I was in a Royal Naval hospital for a few weeks,and deemed fit for duties,so,after she had sold the contents of our flat,and split it 50/50,and sending me my £1500( a lot of money in those days),I was 'sent off' abroad to forget.....a standard forces reaction lol.
Everyday,I thought of ****,every birthday I sent a card to her home address,every Xmas and Valentines day the same,and every July 4th,an anniversary of that fateful day,a card to Spennymoor,her home address....I never tried to see her or stalk her....just loved her daily,never ever got a reply or card or any acknowledgement.
I married my ex because of her circumstances,she knew I would never love her,and knew of my love for ****.
On millenium night,through the display bursting celebratory lights,I realized...new millenium,new life,I wrote a final letter....it was to ****,telling her of my undying love all those years of which she must have realized..I apologized for my stupidity at the time causing her distress and embarrassment with family and friends,hoping she had forgiven me after all those 34 years,I told her I had thought of her daily,mentally told her I loved her daily,often several times a day..but the time had come to close the chapter. I wished her every happiness in the new Millenium,but it was time I moved on. I signed her letter with all my love forever remembered,sealed it,put it in my safe,never to post,its still there I suspect...but it closed the 'book'drew a line in my sands.
ps I rarely think of her now.......
On leaving the Navy...I lived in a bedsit type part of a large house,I worked as a head barman for the Hull Brewery Company and relief manager at their biggest pub/hotel.
I had left the navy at 21 and at nearly 24...I asked a girl assistant at my local self service shop,for a date,it was my first date since leaving the Navy...in fact I only had 3 romances during my service,2 pre ****,and ****. I never told my date '****' that I was working also that night,but she joined me for a drink...that night was the 3rd Saturday in January 1971,we slept together that same night....a few weeks later she told me she might be pregnant....it was the honourable thing to ask her to marry...besides..I was alone...she was a doormat to her elderly folks,and mainly..I never wanted any child of mine to grow up fatherless as I had done....I told her I didnt love her,but we could grow as friends.We married 27th March same year.
On August bank holiday Monday,she was really ill as I returned from work...we managed to get her to hospital,and after a few weeks they brought ****** 'on' early...its his birthday actually 13th October...although **** nearly died several times.
Years of ill health followed and she was living at home with her folks who watched her health as I returned to sea and various other jobs to support the family and to get away from a mother in Laws house also.
On November 18th 1974 I had an accident on the oil rigs...broke my back,they said I would never work or walk again...it took 6 years to prove them wrong...I beat the illness to get walking,took 6 years in an out of hospitals etc,and in August 1980 as I attended yet another medical,they found a tumour on my right lung,they removed the upper lobe of the lung,2 years later it returned under my chin (left side) removed and since then I have been clear years although I still have asbestos damage as thats what caused it...
I hike and climb mountains lol....(ok I have pain....but I hike and climb hills and shop with a heavy rucksack)
I was determined to make the best of it and so....using a small piece of land at the rear of my home...I started a plant nursery and florists business,that enabled me to work from home so to speak,bring up my children of whom I now had another son but lost a daughter in between at a very young age....
****...by 1987 had developed mental illness by now,and with differing lengths of time in respite from it,we continued,although her periods out of clinic and her increased medication became more apparent.(I,in effects,was assisting nursing her on and off,in and out of clinics,for 24 of the 32 years we were together,then two years apart here,to divorce after 34 years married).
I worked 19 years from my business,with only 2 half days closed and 2 hours for Princess Dianas Funeral.....I buried myself in my work...the years flew by......
During the later years,my youngest son ****,developed a drug problem....I tried and tried to get him cured to no avail,spending over £50'000 on rehabs and furnishing homes for him and his young family, and fines and compensation costs to keep him out of jail
He had started his partner on drugs also and both were in and out of Jail untill eventually,both my granddaughters were taken into care....Whitby is all I know as their area.....I have made provisions for them as they grow old enough seeing as they are missing birthday/xmas and holiday treats pocket money and gifts.
Millenium night meant to me a major turning point...as I sat there in my office.....alone,sober,watching the fireworks burst into the night sky,and hearing the street filled laughter and choruses of Hokie Cokies...I decided to get a life.
The year 2000 and new Millenium....,I decided after consulting sons and her care team,to take a year off.
I loaded a caravan with things for a year...closed my business so I could restart again.....made sure ****** would be ok as hes disabled and my house in Hull is adapted for him and...after watching foot and mouth detroy the Dales..I decided that if new life was starting there...thats where I would also go.....I booked into an outdoor centre DALESBRIDGE,in Austwick,on the Kendal Road,for a year on July 13th 2002.
Soon after spending months up the hills sobbing and realizing that all my life had gone.......****s care team contacted me and thought as I might be thinking of early retirement,do I want them maybe to start divorce proceedings on her behalf as its obvious she has no real quality of life and neither did I....
A Judge had to decide as she was classed as Non Compos Mentus and a Judges Jurisdiction was prepared and he signed a Necree nisi AND Absolute same day...after splitting all my accounts 50/50.... then...cos shes not able to support herself a further 10%, plus... because ****** is still at my home another 10%...I got 30% for all my work...I let them live at my Hull home as its adapted for ******....they pay the bills,I go 50/50 with major repairs.
Incidentally,new medication this last six months has improved her and her team thought it might be beneficial to get her a change of scenery and some country air....we arranged her to visit here the other Tuesday till Sunday,I was not really looking forwards to it,as its was our first together time since I left,but we notified local doctors practice etc,I kept her occupied with walks and visits to Leeds shops etc.It went ok.....


My attempt at a new life carries on,or is this the best I can expect