Time marches on.....forever friends.........

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging backside. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my father!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my interesting life that shaped me into the person I became, my family for less grey hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra biscuit, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly terracotta ornament that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's, and, if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in swimming trunks that are stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set and the young and fit. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning grey or 'salt N pepper', and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silvery.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer any questions, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall indulge myself every single day.
(If I feel like it)For as long as I can.

MAY YOUR FRIENDSHIPS NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

FRIENDS FOREVER ARE IMPORTANT..........Thank you for being my friends x

Doctors follow on from yesterday October 30th

Well.....

My GP asked if I minded 2 young medical students sitting in on my update,of course I didn't,but he never brought out the tea and biccies...

I brought him upto date as he asked,he listened to my chest,satisfactory considering he said,the students listened,and nodded...I never had the heart to tell them that they had their stethoscopes plugged in wrong end lol hahahaha.....
Anyways,he had the reports that my chest chappy had on Monday,and was pleased no sign of a stroke on the brain scan...I was only too pleased they found a brain!!!! gulp...............

I asked about some of my medication...he answered that he can change one of my stomach mixes to ease the nausea,my heart pills he can increase the strengthener but not the blood thinner as it would cause risk to BP dropping low....I have to have a blood test next week,to ensure no kidney damage so far from my heart pills,then see him a week after that,to determine if I can increase the pills.

He explained about the close watch on my tumour and remaining lung part,and told me he is there anytime day or night....so is my macmillan team.

I asked why no scan report about the tumour around my main artery,he was baffled too,so he's contacting the radiographer to get report.
I asked if they now planned to fix my damaged heart valve....for the first time he looked disappointedly solemn....no Paul sorry....its too much of a risk to you....I could only guess from his twisted lip expression,and twiddles with his pen,that he might agree with what the Oncology centre surgeon said...that it would be the tumour around my artery that would get me......we can only wait and see and carry on with prayers and good thoughts...

Thats all again for now...you are all updated......cheerio for now..take care

Loves you all
Paul
xx

Mondays chest clinic October 27th

Hello everyone,

I know I have not posted anything since my radio therapy finished,but as I said,I had to wait till they thought it had finished working and then they could start assessing the results.

I saw my Oncologist about 5 weeks ago,she arranged more scans,including my brain,to see if it was my spondilosis causing my 'numb' feelings left hand,or brain....I had several MRI scans 3 weeks ago.

Today I saw my chest physician Dr Rasheed,well,actually his under study,but as I have been really upset stomach and sick all morning,I never got much info from him,as I had my head in his wash basin most of the visit lol.

Apparently,more chest X Rays today,confirm,with scans,that the tumour has not been killed off,but he says its encouraging as its reduced in size by almost half,when you consider that,in April,the measurements of the one in my left bronchii was the size of a cap off a aerosol can,YES,THAT BIG lol.....its a good sign.

He tells me,there was no results on his computer about the tumour around my artery,although I had radio therapy,which left me nauseous almost daily or several times a day due to the collateral damage it caused to my gullet.

There is a 'team ' meeting this Friday,to discuss my case,and recommended treatments/actions,and a letter will be sent to my GP,I am now returned to care of GP and Macmillan team from our surgery,although a helpline is still there 24/7 for me.

I see my GP on Thursday,as he wants a 6months update,hope he brings out tea and biccies...you all know what a good story I can relay once I start......

HEY!!!!!

Thanks to you all for being there with prayers and support even though you have all had personal issues to overcome...... bless you all...

Will post again when its neccesary,if anything ermmm unwanted happens,arrangements have been made with someone to post a final message on here for all my fan club hahahahaha

Tarra X