Oh well..... I went for my PET scan today,its a nuclear material fixed on a glucose IntraVeinous line,then wait an hour,so the cancer cells,being twice as active,will detect the glucose first,and frenzy feed,therefore,they will take the nuclear material up and show up on the deep scan first.
Its the way to detect if my cancer has spread...I see my Consultant Friday 1420...its my birthday,so I hope he gives me a gift of it hasnt spread beyond the left lung,and he wants to allow an operation...with some chemo,he says he then can give me 15% of survival chance in 5 years...without I got 6-9 + a further 3-6 if chemo as well....fingers crossed.
I just was thinking,looking at looking good naked on TV....if mothers milk is so full of antibodies etc...I wonder if I started drinking it,will I get a cure........any volunteers anyone lololl
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Monday, 28 April 2008
Updated with picture too.....
Well...... I guess the day the consultant told me,I had cancer,I may have been slightly dazed and bewildered,plus his LCD screen was at a difficult angle to see from where I was sitting opposite him,so its maybe NOT like a new birth,a round babies head tight in the tube....(or was that all in my mind,something new growing inside me??? !!!)Or as some might say... fanny on my mind lololl hahaha
Anyway,hes sent me an email with the bronchoscope picture as I requested,its on the left..
I have a full in depth scan tomorrow taking several hours,and if on Friday,when I see the consultant at 1420 (my birthday),he sees there has been no spreading elsewhere in my body,he will recomend a surgeons opinion.
St James hospital Leeds has already called with an initial appointment for May 9th at 1020,so we will see...I know already,that symptoms are moving fast,its suprising me,mind you,he did say it will double every month,and its a month since he said that.
God bless you all for the great support Im getting....cheers chink chink
Loves you all..........x
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Updates after Monday
Well.... I saw the consultant today for my results,he said I had a Non Small Cell Lung Cancer of the squamous cell type,he showed me a photo he took during biopsy last week,it suprised me as I always imagined cancers as a big monsterous angry mess but this looked like a little new flesh coloured smooth ball sat neatly in the entrance to my left lung,the bronchii,Sat in the neck of the tube it looked like a baby's head just showing at labour,strange my thoughts,and NO,I dont have fannies on my mind lol.
He told me without treatment,I may have 6 - 9 months,with chemo,maybe can add 3 - 6 months,what he would like to see is if its spread elsewhere,if not,he wants a surgeons opinion as to if its operable.
That opinion is critical as I already had lung surgery in 1980 on my right lung,and they considering the risk factors on whether the remaining lung would be strong enough should they remove the left .
I need to await a phone call,telling of appointment either at Bradford,or Leeds,for an in depth scan,then after the results,a team meeting to put all the cards on the table,either way,its all going to happen in the next 6 weeks.
He also told me he thought the tumour had ran 70 - 80% of its course,and that maybe it had been growing 18 months,this accounts for a lot of symptoms this last 15 months,including calling out the emergengy doctor one night late,last January 2007.
My one regret is seeing so many of my friends becoming upset over me,I never in my life wanted anyone to have hurt caused by me,and I know its not my fault,but Im hating seeing so much pain...Im sorry,I truly am.
He told me without treatment,I may have 6 - 9 months,with chemo,maybe can add 3 - 6 months,what he would like to see is if its spread elsewhere,if not,he wants a surgeons opinion as to if its operable.
That opinion is critical as I already had lung surgery in 1980 on my right lung,and they considering the risk factors on whether the remaining lung would be strong enough should they remove the left .
I need to await a phone call,telling of appointment either at Bradford,or Leeds,for an in depth scan,then after the results,a team meeting to put all the cards on the table,either way,its all going to happen in the next 6 weeks.
He also told me he thought the tumour had ran 70 - 80% of its course,and that maybe it had been growing 18 months,this accounts for a lot of symptoms this last 15 months,including calling out the emergengy doctor one night late,last January 2007.
My one regret is seeing so many of my friends becoming upset over me,I never in my life wanted anyone to have hurt caused by me,and I know its not my fault,but Im hating seeing so much pain...Im sorry,I truly am.
Sunday, 6 April 2008
Update to misery
After a while of extra illness I decided to go to my GP as I felt so wretched...I was waking at night with a feeling of drowning.My cough wouldnt go away,feet ankles calves swelling with fluid,breathless on slightest excersions.
They did all the usual tests and a X Ray,and on Thursday 3rd April 2008 my GP called me to see her earlier than appointed time.
She apologized and said that I have lung cancer lower lobe left lung and the bronchii...shes put me 'fast track' to Airdale Hospital Steeton,to get a CT scan to determine its extent and what if any treatment can be offered.She set up a patients helpline 24/7 and hopes I will be ok as I live alone,I told her I been alone most of my life and had to sort everything out,of course I will....its better alone as no one can see you cry whenever you want to...
So much for my new life and the misery goes on.....
They did all the usual tests and a X Ray,and on Thursday 3rd April 2008 my GP called me to see her earlier than appointed time.
She apologized and said that I have lung cancer lower lobe left lung and the bronchii...shes put me 'fast track' to Airdale Hospital Steeton,to get a CT scan to determine its extent and what if any treatment can be offered.She set up a patients helpline 24/7 and hopes I will be ok as I live alone,I told her I been alone most of my life and had to sort everything out,of course I will....its better alone as no one can see you cry whenever you want to...
So much for my new life and the misery goes on.....
Saturday, 1 December 2007
First Blog on Blogspot
This is my lifes main events to date,there is lots not included,such as being shot,blown up,washed overboard 3 times,and having a serious skull fracture which left me comotose a few days,short term mem loss and the consequences of a life of Meniérés disease,in fact...if I had been a cat in a previous life,I've used 8 of them hahaha,still lots of conversational things lol...I put it so people can maybe understand the REAL me,its not a attraction for sympathy,or pity,I never wanted, asked, nor got any,and I suppose,others have similar,or worse stories to tell....everything I did,,,I did alone,I join these sites hoping maybe to find a companion,but its doubtful.
----------------------------
Going to try to get it as brief as poss......
After a childhood of abuse/cruelty/starvation and branding with hot irons from my Mother(read the book 'a child called it' )...my father being divorced from her due to her working as a 'bar girl'throughout the war years.... I begged her to allow me to join the Royal Navy...
She agreed on the condition I sent all my money home to her....I had an awful childhood bullied cos obviously I smelt and was scruffy....so the navy was a lonely place too,being not able to make friends as I wasn't use to mixing...neither did I have the money to join them.
After I had joined the Royal Navy as a youngster to escape abuse at home...(the conditions that I joined was that under written contract,I had to send almost all my money home by allotment book,to my mother) at 18 I met and fell in love with a WREN called ****,she was stationed at the Navy base nearby,we soon became inseperable...I was so madly in love to the point of her name tattood on my chest. She came from a privelaged family,her father being the chairman of the ******* ********** all her family were in business one way or another,but they all took to me like a duck to water.
Our engagement saw us receiving gifts galore from mostly her friends ( I had not made many through my childhood abuse making me unable to mix) and blank cheques from her family to get our home together..it was a beautiful apartment,with everything you could hope for,it was 1966...5 weeks before our planned wedding day,I sensed something was wrong...I coaxed and cojuled untill she agreed to meet,previously we met almost nightly when not on duty, She told me she had been offered a Navy commission...in those days,influential families were offered officer status,it was,and still is,in places,class related. She agreed that she couldnt mix marriage and a career (dont forget it was 66 and service life was VERY differant)so she chose a career.
I was gutted,we said goodbye outside her navy base,me throwing the ring away that she returned to me,I went back to my ship,and tried to kill myself,this sadness was just more heaped at the time,on my sad life,and too much to take.
I was in a Royal Naval hospital for a few weeks,and deemed fit for duties,so,after she had sold the contents of our flat,and split it 50/50,and sending me my £1500( a lot of money in those days),I was 'sent off' abroad to forget.....a standard forces reaction lol.
Everyday,I thought of ****,every birthday I sent a card to her home address,every Xmas and Valentines day the same,and every July 4th,an anniversary of that fateful day,a card to Spennymoor,her home address....I never tried to see her or stalk her....just loved her daily,never ever got a reply or card or any acknowledgement.
I married my ex because of her circumstances,she knew I would never love her,and knew of my love for ****.
On millenium night,through the display bursting celebratory lights,I realized...new millenium,new life,I wrote a final letter....it was to ****,telling her of my undying love all those years of which she must have realized..I apologized for my stupidity at the time causing her distress and embarrassment with family and friends,hoping she had forgiven me after all those 34 years,I told her I had thought of her daily,mentally told her I loved her daily,often several times a day..but the time had come to close the chapter. I wished her every happiness in the new Millenium,but it was time I moved on. I signed her letter with all my love forever remembered,sealed it,put it in my safe,never to post,its still there I suspect...but it closed the 'book'drew a line in my sands.
ps I rarely think of her now.......
On leaving the Navy...I lived in a bedsit type part of a large house,I worked as a head barman for the Hull Brewery Company and relief manager at their biggest pub/hotel.
I had left the navy at 21 and at nearly 24...I asked a girl assistant at my local self service shop,for a date,it was my first date since leaving the Navy...in fact I only had 3 romances during my service,2 pre ****,and ****. I never told my date '****' that I was working also that night,but she joined me for a drink...that night was the 3rd Saturday in January 1971,we slept together that same night....a few weeks later she told me she might be pregnant....it was the honourable thing to ask her to marry...besides..I was alone...she was a doormat to her elderly folks,and mainly..I never wanted any child of mine to grow up fatherless as I had done....I told her I didnt love her,but we could grow as friends.We married 27th March same year.
On August bank holiday Monday,she was really ill as I returned from work...we managed to get her to hospital,and after a few weeks they brought ****** 'on' early...its his birthday actually 13th October...although **** nearly died several times.
Years of ill health followed and she was living at home with her folks who watched her health as I returned to sea and various other jobs to support the family and to get away from a mother in Laws house also.
On November 18th 1974 I had an accident on the oil rigs...broke my back,they said I would never work or walk again...it took 6 years to prove them wrong...I beat the illness to get walking,took 6 years in an out of hospitals etc,and in August 1980 as I attended yet another medical,they found a tumour on my right lung,they removed the upper lobe of the lung,2 years later it returned under my chin (left side) removed and since then I have been clear years although I still have asbestos damage as thats what caused it...
I hike and climb mountains lol....(ok I have pain....but I hike and climb hills and shop with a heavy rucksack)
I was determined to make the best of it and so....using a small piece of land at the rear of my home...I started a plant nursery and florists business,that enabled me to work from home so to speak,bring up my children of whom I now had another son but lost a daughter in between at a very young age....
****...by 1987 had developed mental illness by now,and with differing lengths of time in respite from it,we continued,although her periods out of clinic and her increased medication became more apparent.(I,in effects,was assisting nursing her on and off,in and out of clinics,for 24 of the 32 years we were together,then two years apart here,to divorce after 34 years married).
I worked 19 years from my business,with only 2 half days closed and 2 hours for Princess Dianas Funeral.....I buried myself in my work...the years flew by......
During the later years,my youngest son ****,developed a drug problem....I tried and tried to get him cured to no avail,spending over £50'000 on rehabs and furnishing homes for him and his young family, and fines and compensation costs to keep him out of jail
He had started his partner on drugs also and both were in and out of Jail untill eventually,both my granddaughters were taken into care....Whitby is all I know as their area.....I have made provisions for them as they grow old enough seeing as they are missing birthday/xmas and holiday treats pocket money and gifts.
Millenium night meant to me a major turning point...as I sat there in my office.....alone,sober,watching the fireworks burst into the night sky,and hearing the street filled laughter and choruses of Hokie Cokies...I decided to get a life.
The year 2000 and new Millenium....,I decided after consulting sons and her care team,to take a year off.
I loaded a caravan with things for a year...closed my business so I could restart again.....made sure ****** would be ok as hes disabled and my house in Hull is adapted for him and...after watching foot and mouth detroy the Dales..I decided that if new life was starting there...thats where I would also go.....I booked into an outdoor centre DALESBRIDGE,in Austwick,on the Kendal Road,for a year on July 13th 2002.
Soon after spending months up the hills sobbing and realizing that all my life had gone.......****s care team contacted me and thought as I might be thinking of early retirement,do I want them maybe to start divorce proceedings on her behalf as its obvious she has no real quality of life and neither did I....
A Judge had to decide as she was classed as Non Compos Mentus and a Judges Jurisdiction was prepared and he signed a Necree nisi AND Absolute same day...after splitting all my accounts 50/50.... then...cos shes not able to support herself a further 10%, plus... because ****** is still at my home another 10%...I got 30% for all my work...I let them live at my Hull home as its adapted for ******....they pay the bills,I go 50/50 with major repairs.
Incidentally,new medication this last six months has improved her and her team thought it might be beneficial to get her a change of scenery and some country air....we arranged her to visit here the other Tuesday till Sunday,I was not really looking forwards to it,as its was our first together time since I left,but we notified local doctors practice etc,I kept her occupied with walks and visits to Leeds shops etc.It went ok.....
My attempt at a new life carries on,or is this the best I can expect
----------------------------
Going to try to get it as brief as poss......
After a childhood of abuse/cruelty/starvation and branding with hot irons from my Mother(read the book 'a child called it' )...my father being divorced from her due to her working as a 'bar girl'throughout the war years.... I begged her to allow me to join the Royal Navy...
She agreed on the condition I sent all my money home to her....I had an awful childhood bullied cos obviously I smelt and was scruffy....so the navy was a lonely place too,being not able to make friends as I wasn't use to mixing...neither did I have the money to join them.
After I had joined the Royal Navy as a youngster to escape abuse at home...(the conditions that I joined was that under written contract,I had to send almost all my money home by allotment book,to my mother) at 18 I met and fell in love with a WREN called ****,she was stationed at the Navy base nearby,we soon became inseperable...I was so madly in love to the point of her name tattood on my chest. She came from a privelaged family,her father being the chairman of the ******* ********** all her family were in business one way or another,but they all took to me like a duck to water.
Our engagement saw us receiving gifts galore from mostly her friends ( I had not made many through my childhood abuse making me unable to mix) and blank cheques from her family to get our home together..it was a beautiful apartment,with everything you could hope for,it was 1966...5 weeks before our planned wedding day,I sensed something was wrong...I coaxed and cojuled untill she agreed to meet,previously we met almost nightly when not on duty, She told me she had been offered a Navy commission...in those days,influential families were offered officer status,it was,and still is,in places,class related. She agreed that she couldnt mix marriage and a career (dont forget it was 66 and service life was VERY differant)so she chose a career.
I was gutted,we said goodbye outside her navy base,me throwing the ring away that she returned to me,I went back to my ship,and tried to kill myself,this sadness was just more heaped at the time,on my sad life,and too much to take.
I was in a Royal Naval hospital for a few weeks,and deemed fit for duties,so,after she had sold the contents of our flat,and split it 50/50,and sending me my £1500( a lot of money in those days),I was 'sent off' abroad to forget.....a standard forces reaction lol.
Everyday,I thought of ****,every birthday I sent a card to her home address,every Xmas and Valentines day the same,and every July 4th,an anniversary of that fateful day,a card to Spennymoor,her home address....I never tried to see her or stalk her....just loved her daily,never ever got a reply or card or any acknowledgement.
I married my ex because of her circumstances,she knew I would never love her,and knew of my love for ****.
On millenium night,through the display bursting celebratory lights,I realized...new millenium,new life,I wrote a final letter....it was to ****,telling her of my undying love all those years of which she must have realized..I apologized for my stupidity at the time causing her distress and embarrassment with family and friends,hoping she had forgiven me after all those 34 years,I told her I had thought of her daily,mentally told her I loved her daily,often several times a day..but the time had come to close the chapter. I wished her every happiness in the new Millenium,but it was time I moved on. I signed her letter with all my love forever remembered,sealed it,put it in my safe,never to post,its still there I suspect...but it closed the 'book'drew a line in my sands.
ps I rarely think of her now.......
On leaving the Navy...I lived in a bedsit type part of a large house,I worked as a head barman for the Hull Brewery Company and relief manager at their biggest pub/hotel.
I had left the navy at 21 and at nearly 24...I asked a girl assistant at my local self service shop,for a date,it was my first date since leaving the Navy...in fact I only had 3 romances during my service,2 pre ****,and ****. I never told my date '****' that I was working also that night,but she joined me for a drink...that night was the 3rd Saturday in January 1971,we slept together that same night....a few weeks later she told me she might be pregnant....it was the honourable thing to ask her to marry...besides..I was alone...she was a doormat to her elderly folks,and mainly..I never wanted any child of mine to grow up fatherless as I had done....I told her I didnt love her,but we could grow as friends.We married 27th March same year.
On August bank holiday Monday,she was really ill as I returned from work...we managed to get her to hospital,and after a few weeks they brought ****** 'on' early...its his birthday actually 13th October...although **** nearly died several times.
Years of ill health followed and she was living at home with her folks who watched her health as I returned to sea and various other jobs to support the family and to get away from a mother in Laws house also.
On November 18th 1974 I had an accident on the oil rigs...broke my back,they said I would never work or walk again...it took 6 years to prove them wrong...I beat the illness to get walking,took 6 years in an out of hospitals etc,and in August 1980 as I attended yet another medical,they found a tumour on my right lung,they removed the upper lobe of the lung,2 years later it returned under my chin (left side) removed and since then I have been clear years although I still have asbestos damage as thats what caused it...
I hike and climb mountains lol....(ok I have pain....but I hike and climb hills and shop with a heavy rucksack)
I was determined to make the best of it and so....using a small piece of land at the rear of my home...I started a plant nursery and florists business,that enabled me to work from home so to speak,bring up my children of whom I now had another son but lost a daughter in between at a very young age....
****...by 1987 had developed mental illness by now,and with differing lengths of time in respite from it,we continued,although her periods out of clinic and her increased medication became more apparent.(I,in effects,was assisting nursing her on and off,in and out of clinics,for 24 of the 32 years we were together,then two years apart here,to divorce after 34 years married).
I worked 19 years from my business,with only 2 half days closed and 2 hours for Princess Dianas Funeral.....I buried myself in my work...the years flew by......
During the later years,my youngest son ****,developed a drug problem....I tried and tried to get him cured to no avail,spending over £50'000 on rehabs and furnishing homes for him and his young family, and fines and compensation costs to keep him out of jail
He had started his partner on drugs also and both were in and out of Jail untill eventually,both my granddaughters were taken into care....Whitby is all I know as their area.....I have made provisions for them as they grow old enough seeing as they are missing birthday/xmas and holiday treats pocket money and gifts.
Millenium night meant to me a major turning point...as I sat there in my office.....alone,sober,watching the fireworks burst into the night sky,and hearing the street filled laughter and choruses of Hokie Cokies...I decided to get a life.
The year 2000 and new Millenium....,I decided after consulting sons and her care team,to take a year off.
I loaded a caravan with things for a year...closed my business so I could restart again.....made sure ****** would be ok as hes disabled and my house in Hull is adapted for him and...after watching foot and mouth detroy the Dales..I decided that if new life was starting there...thats where I would also go.....I booked into an outdoor centre DALESBRIDGE,in Austwick,on the Kendal Road,for a year on July 13th 2002.
Soon after spending months up the hills sobbing and realizing that all my life had gone.......****s care team contacted me and thought as I might be thinking of early retirement,do I want them maybe to start divorce proceedings on her behalf as its obvious she has no real quality of life and neither did I....
A Judge had to decide as she was classed as Non Compos Mentus and a Judges Jurisdiction was prepared and he signed a Necree nisi AND Absolute same day...after splitting all my accounts 50/50.... then...cos shes not able to support herself a further 10%, plus... because ****** is still at my home another 10%...I got 30% for all my work...I let them live at my Hull home as its adapted for ******....they pay the bills,I go 50/50 with major repairs.
Incidentally,new medication this last six months has improved her and her team thought it might be beneficial to get her a change of scenery and some country air....we arranged her to visit here the other Tuesday till Sunday,I was not really looking forwards to it,as its was our first together time since I left,but we notified local doctors practice etc,I kept her occupied with walks and visits to Leeds shops etc.It went ok.....
My attempt at a new life carries on,or is this the best I can expect
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