Leeds Cancer Centre

THE St JAMES INSTITUTE
Of ONCOLOGY LEEDS

Well today I started my intense radiotherapy at the Bexley wing of St James teaching hospital Leeds...it is only about a third built and its already created its own landscaped village,and when finished,it will be the premier cancer centre of Europe.

The few photographs that some of you have asked for,do NOT really give it justice,everywhere you walk,look,sit, is astounding, awesome,eyecatching,and soothing and calm,there are even internet cafe,restaurants of differing cultures,aromatherapist,acapuncturists and spiritual healing rooms as alternate therapy.
There are comfy arm chairs, designer sofas,bean bags even,in spacious waiting rooms with bright windows leading onto designer landscaped gardens and patios,there are free iced water machines,and there are reasonably priced vending machines catering for your every wish.
There are cafés,restaurants,coffee bars,brunch bars,banking facilities,its all an absolute dream of NHS in action.

I will add more pics as I go along,as I never took my memory card so was limited to the first 14 pics of the approach.
To see this place is to believe,and I ,like thousands of others,believe that cancer,caught early enough,is now curable more and more,for that we thank God.

My one wish....you never get to visit it ............................

Treatment day......

If I said I wasn't worried,would I lie?,
How my mind my heart my soul has waited, for this first day of July,
Will invisible rays of healing make me well?,
Or just another ticket to the door marked Heaven/Hell,
Think positive I shouted with my silent fears last night,
As I laid in lonely darkness,and hugged myself in fright,
I know my friends are praying,and all got fingers crossed,
So I must be very strong,or their hard work will be lost,
Please forgive my brief encounter with this questioning of why,
But why should it be only girls and little boys who cry?.

xPx

Friends

Dear God...I know you're watching over me,and I'm feeling truly blessed,
For no matter what I pray for,you always know what's best!,
I have this circle of hand picked friends,who mean so much to me,
Some days I 'send' and 'send' them text,at other times, I let them be,
I am so blessed to have these friends,with whom I've grown so close,
So this little poem I dedicate to them,because to me they are the Most,
When I see each name download,and view the message they have sent,
I know they've thought of me that day,and 'well wished' their intent,
So to you, my friends, I would like to say,thank you for being a part,
Of all my daily contacts,this comes right from my heart,
God bless you, is my prayer today,I'm honoured to call you 'friend',
I pray that God will keep us safe,until we txt again.

xPx

Veterans Day

Well today I feel bit down,I had planned to attend UK's first Veterans Day,and ,although I received my medal early in the year,I was looking forwards to going to Blackpool,as my friends know,I go to Blackpool often.
I was really looking forwards to seeing all the events planned and yes,was looking forwards to marching with my old comrades... unfortunately,Im not up to it,and all though I suppose there will be lots and lots in a worse position then me,I also have been told to rest up before my intense radiotherapy next week for the whole of July,also I have a medical appointment arranged by my solicitor, in connection with my past employment with asbestos.

Also,my GP rang yesterday to say,the blood test he had done last Tuesday,to see if the new heart pills are affecting my kidneys,shows they are,so I have to have another on Monday,if its still bad,I really dont know what they plan,I hope they dont take me off the heart pills,they made me feel so much better,before them,I was just an invalid,sleeping most of the time,or sat with my oxygen mask on....we will see,fingers crossed again.

So.... any ex UK forces out there,I salute you,brother in arms.Any OTHER world forces,I salute YOU too,god bless you all...amen

Happy Birthday

Do you know its Paddington Bears 50th birthday today.... I think hes the original 'hoody' he has a website too,just to lighten up this blog.... have a nice day,going for my marmalade sandwich see thee.......x

Stop worrying please lol

You really are a special lot,to worry as you do,
If you dont see updates on this blog you go boo hoo,
Please dont worry,Im ok,Im same as you,with a bad/good day,
I just decided,not to bore,you have YOUR lives,I know the score,
I decided just to put main things,you know,the kind that makes phone rings,
You really dont need daily drivel,you have your own pains too,
If worried,then just contact me,I will reply to you.

Loves you all
xPx

Wednesday June 18th

Well hello,
Its Wednesday,the day of the race has arrived at last and I am feeling a little apprehensive,the thoughts of the unknown,people to meet on my new treatment team,new machines to understand,new hopes of a cure....lets hope my prayers and the very many from my friends are answered.
Not sure if treatment starts today,or if,as I suspect,its the intoduction day as in the information given to me by Dr Henry's staff last Friday,and in my brief letter from Leeds,or as this brilliantly informative site tells...in case you have not yet visited it,heres the link again Click on external beam.

Well I have to say that the new heart pills are fantastic,I feel like a new man (where can I get one at this time of day...[Dick Emery voice]you are awful....but I like you )hahaha.Incase you are wondering they are Irbesarten and Clopidogrel... strange sounding names I agree but for the technically minded,they strengthen my heart,thin my blood,reduce my BP,and boy,do I feel so much better,the fluids are gone from my calves,ankles and feet,I can wear normal shoes,and my feet look their normal boney sinewy selfs after months of looking like swollen cushions lol,also the fluid seems gone from my lungs which means I can feel the starts of my cancer pains,but at least I am feeling alive,not sleeping exhausted or sat in my chair with my oxygen mask bringing me relief for hours on end.

Bless all scientists who struggle through University and colleges to learn enough to discover these new drugs,bless also,the parents of the students who struggle to support their childrens learnings,here is my public thank you,here too is a public thank you to my GP Doctor Ashley Davies of Settle Health Centre,what a bloody brilliant GP...thank you sir....

Right...I've bored you all enough,time for a cuppa,watch the news,shower then await hospital transport to Leeds...cheerio everyone,may your own Gods go with you
xPx

Met my Oncologist

Well,its Friday 13th,today I met my Oncologist today (specialist in tumours and cell mass),very clever lady,very informative,told me all that was planned,and that it takes time to set it all up as they intend to try intense radiotherapy as soon as its all in place.

It involves lots of technicians/doctors,nurses etc,and lasts 4 weeks,consisting of ray bombardment of the tumour on 5 consecutive days,2 days to rest to allow nearby 'good' cells chance to recover,for 4 weeks.
The treatment she hopes will be a success,and the win rate is 40%,the remainder,the tumour is stunted and shrunk,still a threat,but allowing more time in life then is at present predicted without treatment,which in my case,in April,was 6-9 months,so anything is a bonus.
She described all its ins and outs and merits and shortcomings,most are on this site for you to look through for information,there are links to all your questions on the left,interesting reading.

My friends will have realized by now,this blog is not about Me Me Me..its here for everyone who has the illness,or their friends,families,Im hoping,through my experiences,to shed lights on gloomy areas.

Heres the link Radiotherapy link click here

When I got home from Airedale,I expected a 2 week wait to set it all up as she described,which worried me into thinking "another month and my clocks ticking away" but when I arrived home,an appointment was waiting to get measured up on Wednesday...she is bringing in a Cardiologist as shes still very concerned over my weakened heart,so am I,so is my GP,who rang me later in the afternoon,to say he had sent a prescription to the chemists for new heart pills,please God they work.

Will keep you all posted,bless you all,you are all very important to me,even the strangers who E Mail me,thank you and bless you too

Paul
xx

I feel a poem coming on

How I feel

Am I yesterdays hero?,was Gene Pitney right?,
Do I cry my lonely days or cry my lonely night?,
I cared for people all my life,
To God, its plain to see,
And now a possible end draws near,
Selected, cares for me,
Do I want to see their hurt,their sadness and their tears?,
When I walk alone that path,that erases all my years,
Memories,I take with me,but lots and lots are bad,
But the good ones ,make up for the rest,with goodly times I've had,
So much I wanted,with my life,so much still to do,
If you are part of my muchness,then I am part of you.

xPaulx

Monday June 9th Update

Hello people,

Today I had to visit my chest consultant,first time since the surgical disappointment,he was very disappointed for me,but,after listening to my chest etc,he said another course of action can be tried.
Not as successful as surgery,and my heart probs now restrict chemotherapy chemicals,so radiotherapy is next attempt.
I'm to see a Doctor Henry,a lady oncologist,on Friday,and she is to investigate the probability of starting intense radiotherapy.

Using my pet scans,and a computer they are able to guide the sight exactly where they want to administer treatment waves,to attempt kill off or dramatically reduce the tumour,if not to cure,then at least prolong my life expectancy...I'm, all for that.

It will be a daily blast of waves,for 1 month,hoping to do its expected job,if not,a small rest up,and do some more.
Then,just monitor tumour and if it gets cheeky again,blast it....there you have it...we have the technology...we can rebuild him...by the time they finish...will I be worth 6 million dollars,or just a funfair side show,with an illuminous willie.....if you visit,pays yer dollar,and wear shades hahahahaha

See thee

Just a passing remark

Im so over whelmed by all my friends thoughts and words and acts of kindness,after a lifetime of aloneness,its taken me this far to realize.
My church decorated the little prayer corner last Thursday knowing I would visit before Friday,they also arranged my rosary on the altar cross,they said prayers Friday for me,maybe the prayers were answered in a right decision being reached
One recently made friend has searched extensively for a certain plant seed,despite being ill,shes found one she wants to have me scatter on the little flower border behind my bench.
It flowers early May,and that of course is my birthday,the seeds are myasotis...otherwise known as Forget me nots.
There are far to many kindnesses to mention here,besides,its difficult typing when I cant see the keyboard cos my glasses are acting like dams for my tear ducts.
I guess its like most of you say,its only being such a nice guy that leaves a good impression,what goes around,comes around,I can only say I tried,and thank you so much.

A quote recently told....
" to be born a gentleman,is an accident.... to die a gentleman is an achievement".....at last....... I will have achieved something.........

Home from 'Jimmies'

Well my friends,
Just got home from Jimmies (Leeds University Teaching hospital),my surgery was pencilled in for 830am,then...after tests yesterday,Mr Milton (the boss)was not happy with the results.
The heart echo sounder ( Ultra sound) detected a heart fault,they suspect at some time I have had a 'silent' heart attack,or 28 years of high blood pressure has caused a valve fault.... Theboss (Mr Milton) sought a strong set of second opinions from my team,even though,two weeks ago,he told me,one negative and I fail...he so wanted to help me.

He called the anaesthetist in to see me early today,and re pencilled in my operation as last on the list,so they could prepare for the worse (ie messing about unhurried).

They said it was looking more and more risky for me,and that they could take me to theatre,and without cutting,could simulate my body conditions as if in surgery,to measure risks,they could also,use the cardiologist from my team,to put maximum strain on my heart,to see its 'breaking' point under controlled conditions,They could also keyhole cut and simulate a lung removal with its associated stresses,but once opened up,no going back,the tumour is growing too near my heart and dont give enough ' clearance' as the boss says.

Anyway....Mr Brown the anaesthetist called at 630 am to chat....he took all the risks,and problems into account,and decided in favour of the rest of the teams decision.that they dont want to create a 'ghost' of a man,sat in a chair,with a oxygen mask,looking out of the window,at the hills he once climbed...(I said neither do I )...the chances were that following the operation,very shortly afterwards could be a respitory failure in the only half remaining of my right lung.
To that purpose,they all refused to risk the operation...they are writing my notes up with a recommendation for chemo and/or radiology....I agreed with them....Im a proud person as those of you who are close enough know and hate the thought of losing my independence and dignity.

So...the saga continues....I will keep you all updated

PS... on another ps,,, my correct oxygen machine was delivered Thursday by Kevin (Air Products UK Ltd) it works a treat,and its running costs are credited each quarter to my power account with EON.
A few of you asked me what a concentrator is so here is a link and you will see it http://www.airproducts.com/medical/UK/homecare/homecare3.html

Thanks everyone for the prayers/thoughts and support...you might not think they worked...but maybe,they helped a correct decision to be made and my life extended even by a few months...Thanks guys...your the bloody best.....

Saturday May 24th update

Well my friends,
I had my oxygen cylinder delivered this week,but due to a misunderstanding,they brought a cylinder (bottle) instead of a concentrator
A concentrator is similar to a small de humidifier,it takes atmosphere,scrubs it,removes C02 and creates oxygen,as and when needed.
They re-ordered and it should arrive this week,the company who do all the air work for the NHS are Air Products UK Ltd,their staff are all vetted and seem quite caring as well as efficient.So 10/10 to them,well done Kevin.

A few friends and aquaintances have asked if there is a video anywhere of the surgical procedure they are planning,well.... I have found a medical instructional video for the not so squeamish,the link is on todays update.
Its called a left Pneumonectomy,as I had a right upper lobectomy in 1980,which in those days was much more brutal lol.

Ok.... heres the link,I will update before the week ends Im sure,thanks again all of you for the cards,crystals,angels,angel feathers and the txt and telephone support,its been a god send,I love you all

http://anatomy.med.umich.edu/surgical_videos/pneumonectomy.html

ps if you click on the link,it will take you out of the blog,you will need to back arrow to return to the blog if you have not finished getting bored by me hahaha
Paul
xx

Wednesday 14th May 2008 update

Well my friends,
The dedication plate was delivered today,and,as a few of you wanted to see it,here is what it looks like.
Hope its a long time before its fixed to the railway station bench.

You can see the reflection of the old style gas lamp on one picture,above the bench,the other picture shows it being held in place on the back rest of the bench,I am reassured that the finger prints on the brass will be polished off when fitted hahaha.

Friday May 9th update

Hello everyone,
Just having a cup of tea,1730 and been out since 0755 this morning,I went to see the Chest surgeon Mr Milton.

What a nice guy,put me right at ease...he explained he was not prepared to take the risk on me having a poor quality of life if he removed the left lung,it would mean only half a lung supporting me.
He agreed I look fit enough to operate on,and that I looked after myself with a healthy life,so...he wanted lots of tests done,he knows I had them all done at another hospital,but he has confidence in his own team,own equipment,own interpretations of readings,so I went through 9 tests in 5 departments.

He told me,in a few weeks time,he wants me to do them all again,and...if hes happy,and his team are happy,hes going to try to remove the left lung and 'nip' off the artery....if I agree.


He said surgery today is not as barbaric as what I had on my right lung in 1980,and apart from that...hes a better surgeon then the late K.K.Nair who performed my right thoracic,with lots of post op problems such as drain pipes ripped on on stretcher hook ups,inserting another drain only to find it was a catheter and they should have not even BEEN on a thoracic ward,,,, still it was fun at the time watching a student nurse faint onto the foot of my bed and be carried out in the fresh air.

I have so many stories....if only you all knew.

Anyway....for obvious reasons,I am not going to state the dates on here of possible surgery,or the hospital I will be admitted to...suffice that my very close friends know in person not from reading my blog.

I feel more positive...thank you all for the thoughts,emails,angel feathers,angels,crystals,cards etc etc etc,,,it warms me so much and I love you all..........................


I also asked my surgeon...did you choose surgery cos you wanted to heal people,or for the money....he said theres no money in thoracic surgery....he got hooked as a lad watching Quincy on telly....but decided it would be nicer operating on living people not forensic cadavers....I said thats all I wanted to know.......he said dont fret...Im going to save your life.....I smiled...shook his hand and said.....see thee......

Mayday Bank holiday,the bench and some of its views

Well..... its been not too bad a few days,some nights I slept,some nights I never....but the goodness I feel from my friends contacting me is the best I have ever felt in my life....I thank you all from the very depths of my heart.
I have been thinking this past few days,of an idea I had a while ago,long before this health problem started.
I was hiking up on the old highway,top of Constitution Hill,very steep climb,and in a short space of time,you are leaning on a dry stone wall,looking down over Settle,my church,and the beautiful countryside,with the Lake district hills in the distance.

I remember saying,if I die,I would like a bench up here along with a few others who had had the same idea.

Well.... now all this health scare started,I decided to find out more,and e mailed Settle Town Clerk,the replies pointed out facts of council liability,insurance,specifications this that and the other,and a sum in the region of £1600 or there abouts....I only wanted a dedication plaque or something.
Then...on Saturday,awaiting a train,as usual,sat on my usual bench on Settles beautiful village Station,it suddenly occured to me,some benches had dedication plaques on them!!!!!!
I asked Geoff,one of the volunteers who keep our station immaculate,and he told me its practically free and who to contact....the results being...after a few emails to the (FOSCL) Friends Of Settle Carlisle Line,I have arranged a brass plaque for the bench I usually wait at,either sitting or pacing impatiently,awaiting a train.....its the seat on the left,as you pass underneath the overtrack bridge,on the South bound to Leeds platform,it is positioned in front of a modified old fashioned street lamp which stands in a flower border,(ample space for birthday flowers lol)

The plaque will read ...

PAUL A TAYLOR
SIT WITH ME AWHILE,MY FRIENDS,
FOR I HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE LINE.

I hope all my friends will remember where it is when they visit Settle walking.x

My birthday news 2nd May 2008

Oh well....here we are...1800 on May 2nd,just returned from seeing my consultant Dr Rasheed,to get results of my deep scan....

He wasnt too pleased classified the tumour as T2 NO MO if you need more reading its online in lots places....

So...its not good news,my cancer is big,and it looks as if its

invading my main artery....only the surgeon will know
in 3-4 weeks when he opens me up...if he can scape it
free and remove lung,then,with chemo,I can have a 15%
chance of a 3-5 year span,if its too attached to main
artery,then he will stitch me back up,give a course of
chemo,and wait till it takes its course,9 to 12 months
if Im lucky....we can only wait see.

Dont worry...there were lots of people in the chest
clinic,I felt sorry for them,they looked to be in
pain.....they shoot horses dont they!!!

So thats my update for you all.........keep fingers crossed

Surgery will be at St James hospital Leeds in the next 3-4 weeks,by Mr Milton....

Tarra for now xx

Tuesday PET scan

Oh well..... I went for my PET scan today,its a nuclear material fixed on a glucose IntraVeinous line,then wait an hour,so the cancer cells,being twice as active,will detect the glucose first,and frenzy feed,therefore,they will take the nuclear material up and show up on the deep scan first.

Its the way to detect if my cancer has spread...I see my Consultant Friday 1420...its my birthday,so I hope he gives me a gift of it hasnt spread beyond the left lung,and he wants to allow an operation...with some chemo,he says he then can give me 15% of survival chance in 5 years...without I got 6-9 + a further 3-6 if chemo as well....fingers crossed.


I just was thinking,looking at looking good naked on TV....if mothers milk is so full of antibodies etc...I wonder if I started drinking it,will I get a cure........any volunteers anyone lololl

Updated with picture too.....

Well...... I guess the day the consultant told me,I had cancer,I may have been slightly dazed and bewildered,plus his LCD screen was at a difficult angle to see from where I was sitting opposite him,so its maybe NOT like a new birth,a round babies head tight in the tube....(or was that all in my mind,something new growing inside me??? !!!)Or as some might say... fanny on my mind lololl hahaha

Anyway,hes sent me an email with the bronchoscope picture as I requested,its on the left..

I have a full in depth scan tomorrow taking several hours,and if on Friday,when I see the consultant at 1420 (my birthday),he sees there has been no spreading elsewhere in my body,he will recomend a surgeons opinion.

St James hospital Leeds has already called with an initial appointment for May 9th at 1020,so we will see...I know already,that symptoms are moving fast,its suprising me,mind you,he did say it will double every month,and its a month since he said that.


God bless you all for the great support Im getting....cheers chink chink

Loves you all..........x

Updates after Monday

Well.... I saw the consultant today for my results,he said I had a Non Small Cell Lung Cancer of the squamous cell type,he showed me a photo he took during biopsy last week,it suprised me as I always imagined cancers as a big monsterous angry mess but this looked like a little new flesh coloured smooth ball sat neatly in the entrance to my left lung,the bronchii,Sat in the neck of the tube it looked like a baby's head just showing at labour,strange my thoughts,and NO,I dont have fannies on my mind lol.
He told me without treatment,I may have 6 - 9 months,with chemo,maybe can add 3 - 6 months,what he would like to see is if its spread elsewhere,if not,he wants a surgeons opinion as to if its operable.
That opinion is critical as I already had lung surgery in 1980 on my right lung,and they considering the risk factors on whether the remaining lung would be strong enough should they remove the left .

I need to await a phone call,telling of appointment either at Bradford,or Leeds,for an in depth scan,then after the results,a team meeting to put all the cards on the table,either way,its all going to happen in the next 6 weeks.

He also told me he thought the tumour had ran 70 - 80% of its course,and that maybe it had been growing 18 months,this accounts for a lot of symptoms this last 15 months,including calling out the emergengy doctor one night late,last January 2007.

My one regret is seeing so many of my friends becoming upset over me,I never in my life wanted anyone to have hurt caused by me,and I know its not my fault,but Im hating seeing so much pain...Im sorry,I truly am.

Update to misery

After a while of extra illness I decided to go to my GP as I felt so wretched...I was waking at night with a feeling of drowning.My cough wouldnt go away,feet ankles calves swelling with fluid,breathless on slightest excersions.
They did all the usual tests and a X Ray,and on Thursday 3rd April 2008 my GP called me to see her earlier than appointed time.

She apologized and said that I have lung cancer lower lobe left lung and the bronchii...shes put me 'fast track' to Airdale Hospital Steeton,to get a CT scan to determine its extent and what if any treatment can be offered.She set up a patients helpline 24/7 and hopes I will be ok as I live alone,I told her I been alone most of my life and had to sort everything out,of course I will....its better alone as no one can see you cry whenever you want to...

So much for my new life and the misery goes on.....

First Blog on Blogspot

This is my lifes main events to date,there is lots not included,such as being shot,blown up,washed overboard 3 times,and having a serious skull fracture which left me comotose a few days,short term mem loss and the consequences of a life of Meniérés disease,in fact...if I had been a cat in a previous life,I've used 8 of them hahaha,still lots of conversational things lol...I put it so people can maybe understand the REAL me,its not a attraction for sympathy,or pity,I never wanted, asked, nor got any,and I suppose,others have similar,or worse stories to tell....everything I did,,,I did alone,I join these sites hoping maybe to find a companion,but its doubtful.
----------------------------


Going to try to get it as brief as poss......
After a childhood of abuse/cruelty/starvation and branding with hot irons from my Mother(read the book 'a child called it' )...my father being divorced from her due to her working as a 'bar girl'throughout the war years.... I begged her to allow me to join the Royal Navy...
She agreed on the condition I sent all my money home to her....I had an awful childhood bullied cos obviously I smelt and was scruffy....so the navy was a lonely place too,being not able to make friends as I wasn't use to mixing...neither did I have the money to join them.
After I had joined the Royal Navy as a youngster to escape abuse at home...(the conditions that I joined was that under written contract,I had to send almost all my money home by allotment book,to my mother) at 18 I met and fell in love with a WREN called ****,she was stationed at the Navy base nearby,we soon became inseperable...I was so madly in love to the point of her name tattood on my chest. She came from a privelaged family,her father being the chairman of the ******* ********** all her family were in business one way or another,but they all took to me like a duck to water.
Our engagement saw us receiving gifts galore from mostly her friends ( I had not made many through my childhood abuse making me unable to mix) and blank cheques from her family to get our home together..it was a beautiful apartment,with everything you could hope for,it was 1966...5 weeks before our planned wedding day,I sensed something was wrong...I coaxed and cojuled untill she agreed to meet,previously we met almost nightly when not on duty, She told me she had been offered a Navy commission...in those days,influential families were offered officer status,it was,and still is,in places,class related. She agreed that she couldnt mix marriage and a career (dont forget it was 66 and service life was VERY differant)so she chose a career.
I was gutted,we said goodbye outside her navy base,me throwing the ring away that she returned to me,I went back to my ship,and tried to kill myself,this sadness was just more heaped at the time,on my sad life,and too much to take.
I was in a Royal Naval hospital for a few weeks,and deemed fit for duties,so,after she had sold the contents of our flat,and split it 50/50,and sending me my £1500( a lot of money in those days),I was 'sent off' abroad to forget.....a standard forces reaction lol.
Everyday,I thought of ****,every birthday I sent a card to her home address,every Xmas and Valentines day the same,and every July 4th,an anniversary of that fateful day,a card to Spennymoor,her home address....I never tried to see her or stalk her....just loved her daily,never ever got a reply or card or any acknowledgement.
I married my ex because of her circumstances,she knew I would never love her,and knew of my love for ****.
On millenium night,through the display bursting celebratory lights,I realized...new millenium,new life,I wrote a final letter....it was to ****,telling her of my undying love all those years of which she must have realized..I apologized for my stupidity at the time causing her distress and embarrassment with family and friends,hoping she had forgiven me after all those 34 years,I told her I had thought of her daily,mentally told her I loved her daily,often several times a day..but the time had come to close the chapter. I wished her every happiness in the new Millenium,but it was time I moved on. I signed her letter with all my love forever remembered,sealed it,put it in my safe,never to post,its still there I suspect...but it closed the 'book'drew a line in my sands.
ps I rarely think of her now.......
On leaving the Navy...I lived in a bedsit type part of a large house,I worked as a head barman for the Hull Brewery Company and relief manager at their biggest pub/hotel.
I had left the navy at 21 and at nearly 24...I asked a girl assistant at my local self service shop,for a date,it was my first date since leaving the Navy...in fact I only had 3 romances during my service,2 pre ****,and ****. I never told my date '****' that I was working also that night,but she joined me for a drink...that night was the 3rd Saturday in January 1971,we slept together that same night....a few weeks later she told me she might be pregnant....it was the honourable thing to ask her to marry...besides..I was alone...she was a doormat to her elderly folks,and mainly..I never wanted any child of mine to grow up fatherless as I had done....I told her I didnt love her,but we could grow as friends.We married 27th March same year.
On August bank holiday Monday,she was really ill as I returned from work...we managed to get her to hospital,and after a few weeks they brought ****** 'on' early...its his birthday actually 13th October...although **** nearly died several times.
Years of ill health followed and she was living at home with her folks who watched her health as I returned to sea and various other jobs to support the family and to get away from a mother in Laws house also.
On November 18th 1974 I had an accident on the oil rigs...broke my back,they said I would never work or walk again...it took 6 years to prove them wrong...I beat the illness to get walking,took 6 years in an out of hospitals etc,and in August 1980 as I attended yet another medical,they found a tumour on my right lung,they removed the upper lobe of the lung,2 years later it returned under my chin (left side) removed and since then I have been clear years although I still have asbestos damage as thats what caused it...
I hike and climb mountains lol....(ok I have pain....but I hike and climb hills and shop with a heavy rucksack)
I was determined to make the best of it and so....using a small piece of land at the rear of my home...I started a plant nursery and florists business,that enabled me to work from home so to speak,bring up my children of whom I now had another son but lost a daughter in between at a very young age....
****...by 1987 had developed mental illness by now,and with differing lengths of time in respite from it,we continued,although her periods out of clinic and her increased medication became more apparent.(I,in effects,was assisting nursing her on and off,in and out of clinics,for 24 of the 32 years we were together,then two years apart here,to divorce after 34 years married).
I worked 19 years from my business,with only 2 half days closed and 2 hours for Princess Dianas Funeral.....I buried myself in my work...the years flew by......
During the later years,my youngest son ****,developed a drug problem....I tried and tried to get him cured to no avail,spending over £50'000 on rehabs and furnishing homes for him and his young family, and fines and compensation costs to keep him out of jail
He had started his partner on drugs also and both were in and out of Jail untill eventually,both my granddaughters were taken into care....Whitby is all I know as their area.....I have made provisions for them as they grow old enough seeing as they are missing birthday/xmas and holiday treats pocket money and gifts.
Millenium night meant to me a major turning point...as I sat there in my office.....alone,sober,watching the fireworks burst into the night sky,and hearing the street filled laughter and choruses of Hokie Cokies...I decided to get a life.
The year 2000 and new Millenium....,I decided after consulting sons and her care team,to take a year off.
I loaded a caravan with things for a year...closed my business so I could restart again.....made sure ****** would be ok as hes disabled and my house in Hull is adapted for him and...after watching foot and mouth detroy the Dales..I decided that if new life was starting there...thats where I would also go.....I booked into an outdoor centre DALESBRIDGE,in Austwick,on the Kendal Road,for a year on July 13th 2002.
Soon after spending months up the hills sobbing and realizing that all my life had gone.......****s care team contacted me and thought as I might be thinking of early retirement,do I want them maybe to start divorce proceedings on her behalf as its obvious she has no real quality of life and neither did I....
A Judge had to decide as she was classed as Non Compos Mentus and a Judges Jurisdiction was prepared and he signed a Necree nisi AND Absolute same day...after splitting all my accounts 50/50.... then...cos shes not able to support herself a further 10%, plus... because ****** is still at my home another 10%...I got 30% for all my work...I let them live at my Hull home as its adapted for ******....they pay the bills,I go 50/50 with major repairs.
Incidentally,new medication this last six months has improved her and her team thought it might be beneficial to get her a change of scenery and some country air....we arranged her to visit here the other Tuesday till Sunday,I was not really looking forwards to it,as its was our first together time since I left,but we notified local doctors practice etc,I kept her occupied with walks and visits to Leeds shops etc.It went ok.....


My attempt at a new life carries on,or is this the best I can expect