Christmas memorial

Georges little memorial at my village churchyard,its lovely and peaceful,between two miniature trees,next to a rustic bench at the end of a path.
It is visited daily by wildlife,which would have thrilled George.
Merry Christmas No1 son,missing you so much
Dad
xx

Technology

Well my friends,
Today I attended the cardio respiratory unit at Airedale Hospital,Keighley to have my echo cardiogram,quite a painless affair,I must admit,hearing my heart pump blood and flushing,was miraculous,or was it scary?,.....maybe a bit of both,you don't realize a small organ like a heart can do so much work 24/7 and for more than 61 years too lol.

In case anyone is interested in what its all about,here is a website explaining,I had a 3D echo performed,to get a real time picture

See here (but don't forget to hold Ctrl key down or you will lose this page)

Thats all for now,thanks again for your thoughts and prayers and support
Bless you all
Paul
xx
.
.

X Factor final

Well young Joe won,I'm so pleased,it was a very emotional song,and seemed that the words were not only meaningful for many many people,but especially so for me.
Not only does it make me realize the battle I have taken on,but also,makes me think of the climb of the Castleberg Rock looking from my kitchen window.Its not how I get there,whether in person,or in my mind,or having a track named after my struggle,its the climb,as the lyrics say.

Here are the lyrics,all copyrights respected

The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


© HOPELESS ROSE MUSIC; VISTAVILLE MUSIC;

All of you with your own climbs.....keep faith,you can achieve your goal
.
.

To quote a quote

I stumbled upon this quote on the MacMillan site,I thought it worthy of sharing....

I have walked amongst giants hewn from solid oak and granite,reduced to splinters and sand,
and women so ravaged that all that is left is their beauty from within.

We are the cancer community – a brotherhood so strong that we will kick the arse of this vile disease and god help anyone who gets in our way!

We may be dribbling, incontinent, sometimes vague but we are on a mission that only we truly understand.
So please remember that when we appear to take no prisoners!


'Nuff said.........
.
.

Rememrance day November 11th 2009

If you never saw my remembrance day poem on my website....I copy it here......

LEST WE FORGET............


As this maybe,as others see,a road so paved in fear,
Eleventh day,Eleventh month of yet another year,
With poppy petals we adorn,for sacrifices all have shown,
We will not forget you,family and friends wont let you,
In our thoughts till your spirits rise,
The buglers last post wets our eyes,
Thank you from all of us,for freedom in this world of cuss.

Respects
Paul

Another clinic

Well,it was a visit to Dr Rasheed's clinic and X Rays,I have been having quite a lot of new pains in my back and ribs so I was dreading going.
Had back X Rays the other week,as I told my GP,that I thought it was all coming from my Ankylosing Spondilosis,a problem with my back since 1974.
Rasheed say,X Ray showed no new tumour growth for the 3rd quarter,so I was delighted,he viewed the XRays to my back which showed,as I suspected,my Kypho-Scholiosis (S shaped spine) and the Ankylosing Spondylosis (a severe form of athritis).

I was pleased as he was when viewing the chest X Rays,he said he thinks now,that he can start looking at repairing the heart valve,there is a parallel butted sarcoma,alongside,and a heart valve not closing properly,so I was not well enough before to let them open me up,and see if they could scrape away the sarcoma,or if it was intrusive (intertwined).
He ordered a blood test for counts and gave me an application to give Cardio Respiratory clinic.As I arrived home,they phoned with appointment for December 14th,for ultra sound scans,to get a 3D picture of heart and its surroundings,so they must now be thinking its worth spending money on me,lol,life's good...God's good....

God bless you all who are following my journey,its all mind over matter...most of you are always in my mind,the rest don't matter lol.

Tarra batties......go flap your wings.....
Paul
xx

Castleberg Crag

This is the view from my kitchen window of Castleberg Crag,it is the toe of the Pennine chain,the backbone of Britain.


When I was fitter,I often hiked to the top,on the footpath to read my newspaper and look at the views.
Last year,due to loose rocks,the path was put out of bounds as a danger until the Rock Climbers of UK had an idea to open it as a new climbing centre,with some sponsors of local business to pay for the climbing fixings etc.
The local council agreed and on May 2nd 2008 it was officially opened,ironically,it was my 60th birthday and the day I was diagnosed with cancer being given 6-9 months to live, without radical treatment.
I watched from my lonely health induced prison cell of a kitchen with envy,the climbers enjoying themselves so much,knowing I would never be able to join them on the rock ever again,but there was another thing I could do,I could sponsor a climb.
There were already 25 runs sorted,and Dave Musgrove the rock climbing contact promised to look in the Autumn for a new fairly challenging one I could sponsor.
This week he emailed me with climb # 26,from the bottom right corner,across several climbs,to the top left,using overhangs etc as added challenges.

I am so pleased that I can name it,not just for me,but to show respect for all battlers of this horrid disease.
The new climb is to be called "Paul Taylor's climb for life"

Read press reports and pics about the climbing experience. HERE
And also the official rockclimbers articles about the climbs etc HERE
God bless all the climbers,protect them from harm.
Paul
xx

George's birthday

October the 13th would have been George's 38th birthday,it was a very emotional day,I went through to Hull to visit his grave,to take a carving of an Eagle in wood,Eagles were Georges favourite birds.
It was the first time I had visited his grave since his funeral 13th July,the soil is settling well and grass seed has been sown,it was wonderful to see paw prints of foxes on the soft soil,he would have been thrilled to know,wildlife had visited so closely.
The grave will look better when his headstone is erected in January,the time alloted by the parks and cemeteries department in Hull.
The pictures show his grave next to his nannas,Mary Agnes Stork (nee MacSporran,the purse holders to the MacDonald clan)I am really pleased I bought the ajoining grave as our family plot,side by side he is not alone,he is also 4 rows exactly up from his cousin Lee,and my late sister Carol,his aunt.
The support of my friends really helped me that day,as they do on so many occasions,God bless you all.
Paul
xx

September 2nd how time flies

Its 2 months today since my eldest son died,sat talking to him in our Churchyard today,sat on the new rustic bench by his flower vase,I feel able for the first time to put a little verse for him....







Our place of peace

Churchyard headstones,row on row,
A rustic seat,where I can go,
To talk to you,I miss you so,
But in heaven George,these things you know,

You watch at day,on clouds so light,
In darkness,you are,a star so bright,
To help me with my sadness fight,
Your memory,always,in my sight.
xDadx

August bank holiday Monday

Well,its bank holiday Monday and this time last year I was so ill I seriously wondered if I would see it this year,or,to be honest,would I see Christmas ?..

I guess if you have got this far in reading my blogspot then reading my comments on my birthday 1st May,you will know of the things driving me.... you might be pleased to know I visited the newly built ASDA superstore at Keighley and although not a ASDA fan it was a milestone I aimed for...today is the grand opening of the new TESCO superstore in Skipton that I have watched being built,I will visit today...another milestone,although I am a Morrisons customer and intend to remain loyal lol.

The Giggleswick Riverside Walk was completed and opened to the public a few weeks ago,another milestone and the pictures are on my website for you all to enjoy here look also when on my site at the Hydro electric power plant that was my next milestone,due to be opened in the next few weeks by (its rumoured) members of Take That,as they have cottages in nearby villages and some members are shareholders of the green scheme.
Have a lovely day everyone...thanks for reading and following my blog.
God bless
xPaulx

Another success.............................

Went to see my consultant this morning at Airedale,had X-Rays taken,good examination by the Doctors,he has told me,there seems no changes since May,my last examination,so.....yippeeeeeee

I am still IN REMISSION

Be happy everyone,but I still feel that somehow the Lord has spared me,and took my son George on the second of July...I miss him so much

So sad to say

My eldest son George passed away on Thursday 2nd July 2009 at 0840, after a long illness,he would have been 38 on October 13th,...what else do I say??........................

Rest in peace Number one............................

Lasted a month this time......

Well.... as I said in a previous post,I rejoined freedating.co.uk again,for the 5th time in 4 years,hoping it had changed,but alas,with the exception of a very few members (count on one hand) it remains a closed shop....all in their little cliques with I suspect,more action going on in pm or on messengers than actually goes on in the forum,I thought maybe I would get some interaction,some company,but no,they all seem to be the same...in their little playground gangs

Oh well... back to my multi channel telly and my few dedicated friends.

If you are thinking of joining dating sites,take my advice and DON'T lol
Have a good day,stay safe

BRILLIANT DAY...........................

I am in REMISSION.............................

Hurrah hurrah hurrah.........................what a great feeling.....

Just back from Oncologist who says I am in remission,carry on as I have been doing stay positive,see me in a year,but chest consultant every 3 months with chest investigations and xrays/bronchoscopes etc.
The tumour is still there,half the size of its original angry size,and it has stayed that size since January,half the size of the cap of an aerosol can,so she cannot say I am cured.

The nuclear scan I had in April reports no 'hot spots' (cancer cell clusters) any where from neck to ankles,they never did brain as its not so long since a brain scan which was ok.
She is really pleased cos as she said " I have really been through a lot,and at the start it was touch and go,but I am looking so well,and gave me a hug,which was nice,shes a really nice lady,soft Irish accent and young lol AND married gggrrrr..
She regrets that they cannot do anything to repair the damaged heart valve except a heart replacement,but that is not a consideration at present as my breathing would cause complications,obviously.

So my friends,a really really big thank you for all your support which without a doubt has kept me going through some really dark times,God bless you all and thank you my forever friends.
Love you
Paul
xx

Sunday 24th May

Oh well, another boring weekend... I was all ready at 0745 on Friday for my patient transport,it was late, so as normal,I rang the transport office,they had no appointment for my collection,yet I had the letter... oh well...wait till secretaries arrive in their offices at 0830 in Airdale and Leeds hospitals to find out why.

After numerous phone calls,it was found that the Oncologists secretary sent me the appointment date letter with transport details,but failed to tell the transport desk.
She apologizes profusely....."its ok" I said,but under my breath I thought.... I wonder how YOU would feel,waiting to get news from the Oncologist about your cancer...life or death... and having to wait yet ANOTHER week??

Cant be helped,also I tried to rejoin an old chat sites a few weeks ago and after a few days,still met hostilities head on,I really cannot understand why,after all,its the main reason I started this blog years ago,to explain about the real me,and my quietness and inability to mix due to my childhood abuse and experiences...so its not been a good weekend...why am I hated so much when I am so full of kindnesses?.I suppose I ought to be use to it at my age but will I ever???

Glad my blog is there as a silent listener to my thoughts.....

Good news

Hello my friends,how good do I feel?.....

Today I had to go for the results of my PET scan that I had on April 14th,the scan is where they feed you nuclear isotope on glucose via intravenous drip,and after allowing it to flood the body,they take thousands of 3D pictures of the whole body from neck to feet,the idea is,that cancer cells gorge themselves on the glucose and take more isotope before ordinary cells have chance to feed,therefore,when scan is taken,any clusters of angry cells,show up like hot spots giving a 3D image of any new growth,anywhere in the body.
The consultant told me,there was no sign of new growth and he was delighted at my progress.
He wanted new X Rays today as a comparison,and wants to see me in 12 weeks,he told me he's pleased with my attitude and recovery rates and said he was not sure what I was doing but keep it up.

Its not only about my attitude and you all know it... its the love and prayers and thoughts received from you all on a regular basis of which I cannot thank you all enough.

My life has literally been in your hands,the hands you all held together in prayer,I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my damaged heart.

All I can do is continue the battle which we have all been part of,and keep our faith.
I still have my Oncologist appointment on May 22nd,I hope SHE is as pleased.

Tarra for now as I am having difficulty seeing the screen...love you all.
Paul
xx

May 1st 2009

Happy birthday to me.....Happy birthday to me.....

Well here we are...I find it so strange but so exciting....

Years ago,because I never had a birthday celebration,I decided to make my 40th a special day... but I worked as normal 14 hours,it came and went...no big deal... so I decided my 50th would be special with a celebration of reaching the milestone...It came and went,I worked the usual 14 hour day,it passed by again....so I decided,DEFINITELY my 60th would be a day to remember.

If you have been following this blog journey of mine,you will know that on my 60th,last year,the consultant told me I had 6 to 9 months left to live because of lung cancer.

So........having made my peace with God,and arranging my affairs,my friends needs etc and my funeral,I continued,with the help and support of my chosen few hand picked friends,and the medical team,I took on its fight for life.

I set myself little milestones in my mind,also being reminded almost daily by memories and things in the news or around me,that time was ticking and I needed to fight.

Little milestones such as,I wanted to kick Autumn leaves again.....to kick winter snow again.....to toast my turkey with a glass of malt ( a tradition of mine every Christmas) to give thanks for Christmas day.....to hear the bells ring in the New Year.....to visit one of the navy ships I helped prepare for retirement from the fleet.....to visit the garden of remembrance at Aberfan,where,as a young man,I was part of the volunteers that helped dig the school children from the disaster when the coal tip slid onto the school.....to see the clocks be put forwards to BST.....to worship extra at Easter time.....to see friends win their Tribunal cases as they had been treated so unfairly,to spend quality time again driving around,chatting and laughing,one to one,with my Scottish friend again ,to see my dear friends new house completed to see her happy face .....to get a birthday gift for my friends daughter as I am not sure if she really likes me or not,her birthday is the day before mine so if I did,I would only be a day away from MY special day.......to see a friend take a well earned holiday as she was scared to go last year in case I took a turn for the worse.....AND........to celebrate my birthday again.........

In between these major points,small things such as,will I see the new Skipton bus station complete and open,I also got a book of vouchers for a free daily paper for 6 weeks,would I use ALL the vouchers?,I have always wanted a really good telescope to view the heavens,and a guitar because I always wanted to see one on its stand in the corner as I missed all my youth of happy hippy,I wanted to visit the new Asda store when it opened at Keighley,and the new Super Tesco open in Skipton....and see the new beach area around the bridge at Giggleswick,where I feed the ducks....

Well...Autumn came early,so did winter snow,I had my Christmas dinner,I watched the television as the new year was welcomed in from HMS Belfast,a ship I put in mothballs for retirement,for its trip to Tower Bridge,I read ALL my daily papers not a voucher wasted,bought a high powered scope and realized how beautiful heaven is and which star will my soul inhabit,strummed my new acoustic guitar often,each time,returning it to its stands and smiling a smile of missed youth,I traveled the Skipton bus from the new excuse for a station lol,I watched a TV program where a secret millionaire visited Aberfan,whilst there,she visited the memorial gardens,I put all 13 clocks forwards an hour at BST,I worshiped extra for Easter in my church and gave extra thanks,I had wonderful weekend visits from dear friends,saw my friends new house very nearly completed,and had a lovely birthday meal out with friends after a lovely day out with friends in Leeds.......had a wonderful weekend with my Scottish friend,driving around Yorkshire Towns and the Lakes area,laughing and joking,one to one,it was brilliant,my friends daughter was delighted with her gift on her birthday and sent me a lovely text,and my other friend goes on her holiday tomorrow............and here I am,writing my birthday blog entry......

The journey continues.....thanks to you,my very special friends,god bless you all.

Paul......xx

............................Happy birthday to me.....Happy birthday to me.....Happy birthday dear meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee x


PS The new Asda superstore and the Tesco dont get finished till Autumn,so I have to keep fighting,and Giggleswick bridge is days from completion.

Crikey

Well..... these steroids... they make me insomniac,been awake since 3am,its 0451 and sat here with a cup of tea.
I must admit they also giving me 'bounce' friends say I am my old chatterbox self,not sure if its the unseasonal spring weather,the daylight increasing,or these pills...I feel positively manic at times....bordering on high lol.
Appetite is raging,its difficult stopping nibbling,as soon as I feel well enough,I want to be hiking to remove these 2 stones almost that I have put on this past 18months,its not me at all carrying a 'stomach',friends say it suits me,but I have kept toned all my life,why spoil it at 60.

Its nice starting a week with a diary clear of medical appointments,it wears your soul down,one appointment after another,another department,yet another professional to chat too,but as I said before,how wonderful we have these dedicated people,and how great the NHS...ok...we all knock it at times,but when something serious rears its ugly head,it all swings into place,for that I am eternally grateful,thank you everyone,and thank YOU all my friends for your unfaultering support,with the exception of the odd 'fair weather friend ' your support pulled me through.Its the same throughout life,thats why we have our little 'boxes' marked friends,marked acquaintances.
I bet I fall asleep on the bus later lol I have to go shopping to collect a Easter gift and a birthday card for a dear friend,I might get a get well soon as she is ill again.
Cheerio for now,love you all.

Pleased

Well then,

Went today to Dr Raashed clinic at Airedale,he had a couple of medical students,I dont mind them being there if it helps their education to cure people in the future.
He was pleased at the way it has gone,with results of bronchoscope,and scan pictures although he has reservations hes not 100% sure of,thats the impression I get.
He's recommending another PET scan to see if there are any positive cell clusters lurking elsewhere in my body,if so,then it will be chemotherapy.

I have just finished a course of anti biotic for a chest infection,so the PET will be arranged for 4 weeks,in the meantime,a course of steroids in preparation for 3 weeks.
As long as I dont start eating more or putting on weight,I had put on 3 pounds in the past 3 weeks.
Had a blood test today too,he wanted to check cancer markers this is why (dont forget to hold down Ctrl key (bottom left corner) before left clicking a link,or you will leave the page).


Its a case of the intense radiotherapy fried the lung... so its extremely difficult getting X-Ray pics through the fibrous tissue..(like an old leather bag) lol
Thats why he has to rely on bronchoscopes and pet scans

Thanks everyone for the support,fingers crossed.

Incidentally,he wants me to attend a cancer team meeting,to give my opinions,good OR bad on the treatments and practices I have encountered this past year,for some reason he says I am intelligent lol

Am awaiting letter of invitation and transport arranged for me too,in the educational suite on 30th March

Will let you all know...(I asked if tea and biccies (he laughed) lol wait till he gets my bill for consultancy services) hahahaha
Paul
xx

Disappointment

Well now,

As I said about my bronchoscope the other week,the consultant Dr Raashed told me,if they found cause for concern,they would ring me on the Friday to make appointment to the Monday clinic to discuss it.
I never got any calls or letters so we all thought GREAT....

Early today,patient transport arrived to take me to his clinic,I never knew anything about it,no calls,no letters,nothing...the driver couldn't wait as I wasn't ready,as I knew nothing at all about it.
I rang his secretary and the clinic to tell them,they said letter was sent on the 25th, the day after my bronchoscope, so it must be urgent!!!it must be lost in the post.
They are telling Dr Raashed and I hope he can arrange for NEXT Monday.....mean while,I am seeing my GP tomorrow,so maybe he can tell me any results.

More fingers crossed please

Dam,Dam...I was getting so pleased too
Paul
xx

Can YOU help???

PINK JULIE

Ok everyone,you all know me,if I see something worth while,then I shout about it.

I kept seeing this pink car around Craven,plastered in stickers,I read them a few times in Morrisons car park...poor lass I thought,I know what shes going through,so......whats it all about???........

Its about Julie and other sufferers and bone marrow and blood transfusions and fund raising and awareness and and and PHEW................ ok log onto her supporters website and see what YOU can do....go on....ya kna ya wanna!!!!

PINK JULIE

Also,while you are all doing nothing hahaha....log onto here and light a candle for friends.....

Light a candle dont forget search groups (top left) my group is P.A.T

Dont forget to hold down Ctrl (bottom left of keyboard) as you left click links,or you will get booted off the page....but ya knew that didn't ya???

Tarra
God bless
Paul
xx

Monday 16th Feb

Hello there,
Just back from seeing the consultant Dr.Raashed,nice chap,he was really pleased about the ultra sound last Thursday and no need for lymph node biopsy.

The scan pictures the week prior,looked,as I said to a few of you,quite blotchy,well,he said it was the lung that had really been radically fried,and therefore it was not possible to detect any tumour growth or not,so,to be on the safe side,he wants me in hospital for a bronchoscope (camera down,and samples) on 24th of this month.
Its the only way he can be sure whats going on.
He has meetings with my team on the Friday,and if the broncho is clear,he will see me in 3 months for more tests,if not,he will telephone me to attend the clinic to see him on the Monday.
So....fingers crossed again.
Cheers,thanks for all the good wishes
Paul
xx
love you all.

February 14th 2009

Happy Saint Valentines Day.... Love is all around you (dont forget to hold down Ctrl key (bottom left corner) before left clicking a link,or you will leave the page)

Just thought you might be interested that at 11am GMT today,it is 40 years since I left the Royal Navy....

Have a good day everyone.
Love
Paul
xx

Thursday 12th

Well my friends,today I had to go for my ultra sound and needle biopsy on my lymph nodes that arer swollen on my neck.
After a really good ultra sound reading,the radiographer said the lymph looks clear of any cancer or tumour mass of any description and all he can see is enlarged salaver glands.
We think that,when they did intense radiotherapy,it also fried some of my gullet as previously mentioned,causing nausia and sickness,although that is getting to be less of a problem lately.
Along with the nausia is an excess of salaver,so I think the glands have been over worked.
But thank the lord no spread of cancer cells,and thank YOU all too for your continued prayers,my life is in your hands,bless you all
Paul
xx

P.S. Appointment is through to see Dr Raashed on Monday coming at 1100am...will find out scan results.

Wasted journey?

Well...its Monday,I went all that way to see the consultant,he said hello,good morning,did you have your scan?,I said yes,and I have a biopsy on Thursday...which Thursday?,he said...THIS Thursday said I...OH!...ok....I better see you NEXT Monday,sorry for the confusion.


gggrrrrrrrrrrr

More fingers crossed please .............. as it stops nail biting lol
P
xx

Thursday's mail

Well....

As I said last week,Dr Raashed told me,if any abnormalities show up on the scans again,especially the lymph nodes on my neck which are swelling quite a lot,then he will order a biopsy.

Todays mail brought appointment for biopsies on Thursday 12th at 1130,(day before Friday the 13th) lol....good job I am not superstitious touch wood touch wood shakespeare,click fingers, hahaha

I expect he will tell me all about the scans on Monday when I see him next.......

More fingers crossed please...(bet you lot are getting fed up)
P
xx

Scan day

I needed to chat to my blog today,all my life,right from my abused childhood,I have put on a brave couldn't care less face...my shield against everything.

Today...I'm scared...I feel like running away but there is nowhere to run to,I know I should stay positive but I feel as if I am now on a conveyer belt, heading towards a crusher..... I hope today is not the start of the end.


Tarra....will let you all know as usual...sorry if I seem negative today....I even prayed but could not feel Gods presence,but thats daft cos hes always there for everyone.....sorry God x
P
love you all
xx

Afternoon edit............

Well I went for several scans,must wait now till February 9th for consultants results...fingers crossed.

About me feeling scared this morning,well.... I got to the hospital waiting room and picked up a very old magazine,expecting to read about the relief of Mafekin,I opened it to read wise words from Nelson Mandella.

quote "The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid,but he who conquers fear"unquote......

Today I felt a brave man......thank you God...

Twenty second

Bit scared today.... I was not feeling too bad after yesterday when I had a really bad turn in the shower,similar to the one I had in July last year when my lung reinflated.
Not sure if same happened yesterday but my breathing felt a little better and was easier to cough debris up (yuk...sorry)
Wasn't feeling too bad this morning,walking to papershop I coughed gently,knew I had cleared debri and found a drain in the gutter to discreetly get rid..(you would be suprised how many tissues I buy).....there was bright red clot of blood,it scared me,I was dreading a day when that happened when I had not been straining myself to cause blood vessels to rupture.... I'm praying its not another step closer in this terrible disease and that its only a little 'show'.....fingers crossed.

Sorry to post but I'm a bit scared and needed to get it off my chest (no pun intended).
Take care everyone
Loves you all................................

Publish Post

Monday 19th January,New year,2009

Hello everyone,
Oh well...first visit to the chest consultant this year was today,I had to tell him about pains in my back and neck,breathlessness returning,both arms pins and needles,pain in ribs and chest and feeling bruised on the side of neck similar to tonsilitis.
I had new chest X rays due which were taken,they showed lots more clouding which Mr Raashed was not to happy with.
He told me the radical intense radio therapy last year we all knew about the collateral damage it would do,my gullet is still causing me nausea,and so the clouding he said,lots were scaring and fibrosis hardening through RT,but he didn't really like the look or the amount of it in conjunction with the other returning symptoms.
I could tell by his attitude also...last year it was " we will give you intense radiotherapy to kill it,keep your faith"...today was " well,surgery would have helped a lot more,but you were too weak to have it,plus there was heart damage to a valve,plus a tumour growing parallel to the main artery...so we had to do RT,which we all knew was only 40% chance of success". HUH !

Anyway...he arranged a CT scan in the next 2 weeks if I wanted it,plus he examined my neck telling me there was swollen lymph glands,which he wasn't happy with and asked if he could arrange a needle biopsy at same time as the scan,I agreed of course.
He said,he will see me in 3 weeks,and see the results of CT/biopsy,and then arrange for me to be admitted again overnight for a bronchoscope again,same as I had before,the one which produced the picture of the tumour sat in my left bronchii which is on this blog earlier.

Well my friends,thanks so much for all your thoughts,cards and prayers,they really do mean so much,please dont think I am letting you down...I really really am trying and eating healthily etc...fingers crossed.

I have,since last year,kept mental stepping stones,to aim for in this dangerous river I find myself trying to navigate.
I wanted to kick Autumn leaves again...kick snow again...toast my Christmas day turkey with a small malt....see the new year in.... see the first black president sworn into office...ok so far..... I'm starting to get to a point of,thank you God I awoke this morning...I suppose we all get like this at times.

Its lovely knowing you are all there for me.....tarra for now........... Dont cry for me Argentina....

Time marches on.....forever friends.........

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging backside. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my father!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my interesting life that shaped me into the person I became, my family for less grey hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra biscuit, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly terracotta ornament that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's, and, if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in swimming trunks that are stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set and the young and fit. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning grey or 'salt N pepper', and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silvery.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer any questions, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall indulge myself every single day.
(If I feel like it)For as long as I can.

MAY YOUR FRIENDSHIPS NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

FRIENDS FOREVER ARE IMPORTANT..........Thank you for being my friends x

Doctors follow on from yesterday October 30th

Well.....

My GP asked if I minded 2 young medical students sitting in on my update,of course I didn't,but he never brought out the tea and biccies...

I brought him upto date as he asked,he listened to my chest,satisfactory considering he said,the students listened,and nodded...I never had the heart to tell them that they had their stethoscopes plugged in wrong end lol hahahaha.....
Anyways,he had the reports that my chest chappy had on Monday,and was pleased no sign of a stroke on the brain scan...I was only too pleased they found a brain!!!! gulp...............

I asked about some of my medication...he answered that he can change one of my stomach mixes to ease the nausea,my heart pills he can increase the strengthener but not the blood thinner as it would cause risk to BP dropping low....I have to have a blood test next week,to ensure no kidney damage so far from my heart pills,then see him a week after that,to determine if I can increase the pills.

He explained about the close watch on my tumour and remaining lung part,and told me he is there anytime day or night....so is my macmillan team.

I asked why no scan report about the tumour around my main artery,he was baffled too,so he's contacting the radiographer to get report.
I asked if they now planned to fix my damaged heart valve....for the first time he looked disappointedly solemn....no Paul sorry....its too much of a risk to you....I could only guess from his twisted lip expression,and twiddles with his pen,that he might agree with what the Oncology centre surgeon said...that it would be the tumour around my artery that would get me......we can only wait and see and carry on with prayers and good thoughts...

Thats all again for now...you are all updated......cheerio for now..take care

Loves you all
Paul
xx

Mondays chest clinic October 27th

Hello everyone,

I know I have not posted anything since my radio therapy finished,but as I said,I had to wait till they thought it had finished working and then they could start assessing the results.

I saw my Oncologist about 5 weeks ago,she arranged more scans,including my brain,to see if it was my spondilosis causing my 'numb' feelings left hand,or brain....I had several MRI scans 3 weeks ago.

Today I saw my chest physician Dr Rasheed,well,actually his under study,but as I have been really upset stomach and sick all morning,I never got much info from him,as I had my head in his wash basin most of the visit lol.

Apparently,more chest X Rays today,confirm,with scans,that the tumour has not been killed off,but he says its encouraging as its reduced in size by almost half,when you consider that,in April,the measurements of the one in my left bronchii was the size of a cap off a aerosol can,YES,THAT BIG lol.....its a good sign.

He tells me,there was no results on his computer about the tumour around my artery,although I had radio therapy,which left me nauseous almost daily or several times a day due to the collateral damage it caused to my gullet.

There is a 'team ' meeting this Friday,to discuss my case,and recommended treatments/actions,and a letter will be sent to my GP,I am now returned to care of GP and Macmillan team from our surgery,although a helpline is still there 24/7 for me.

I see my GP on Thursday,as he wants a 6months update,hope he brings out tea and biccies...you all know what a good story I can relay once I start......

HEY!!!!!

Thanks to you all for being there with prayers and support even though you have all had personal issues to overcome...... bless you all...

Will post again when its neccesary,if anything ermmm unwanted happens,arrangements have been made with someone to post a final message on here for all my fan club hahahahaha

Tarra X

Tuesdays last visit this session.....

Well my friends,today was my last zap,it will keep on working for a few months now internally,some side effects will wear off in a few weeks,some a few months,some are permanent such as shortage of breath because an area of the lung had to be 'fried' to destruction.

A few weeks ago,when the team leader allowed me a few pictures of the restricted treatment area,I told him it was for a blog site,not only for my friends to keep informed,but also for people to see what the treatment etc is to be expected and take away the fear and mystery,as a result,he suggested a few pics of the final zap,that friends could concentrate their thoughts,prayers and healing vibes on rather then their imagination.
I wasn't sure as I thought it would make my site seem more of me me me,but after asking a few of you,you almost demanded that course of action...I told team leader Paul,and he agreed 3 pics of my last zap session today,within safety restrictions of the treatment area,so here they are.

Any questions,write them on the back of a five pounds note and send them to Macmillan Cancer Support, FREEPOST LON 16080, London, SE1 7BR.

I wish to publicly thank,all the staff of the hospital and in particular everyone on suite LA10,bless you all.

Thank you all for sharing my journey,without you all,there might not have been a full stop to this blog

. (full stop)

Friday....thank goodness

I thought they were going to cancel the zap this morning,I was ok till the 2 hours bumpy ride to Leeds,when I got there I was sick,coughing bad,bringing up lots debri and dried blood,and was quite painful,anyway,few drinks of water,few good coughs,a back massage and I was fit enough to lie on the machine....thank goodness.

Back home now looking forwards to a long weekend,no journeys,no zapping,hurrah....its getting quite an ordeal,and it hurts to swallow as my gullet is getting stray zapping as they shoot the tumour wrapped around my main artery,but....if its trying to cure me,why should I complain.
Have a lovely weekend my friends,enjoy and take care of yourselves.

xPx

Thursday clinic day....my **oncologist**

Hello....it was zap and clinic today,my oncologist is pleased with the progress and says that its now just a case of scanning me regularly and looking for any new growth starting.

She said that after Tuesdays last zap,it will remain working and burning away for 2 - 3 months inside,causing side effects up to a year ahead,some effects such as shortage of breath will be permanent,as they have 'fried' the offending area,it will only show up on a scan now as a heavily scarred area,so.... I asked how I will know if its cured,she says,with regular monitoring and scanning,they can see the damaged lung,if they see a change,it will be the cancer regrowing,and as they cannot zap the same area again,it will be so heavily scarred that it will be a slow growing tumour and therefore give me another 18months to 2 years before it becomes as dangerous as it was last month.

Its all a case of fingers crossed,and keep up our prayers....but please...Im not selfish,I'm grateful for all your prayers and if you need to concentrate your prayers on yourselves or another worthy soul,please do so......I cant keep taking all your energies.....I'm thankful to be carried this far.....bless you all... I really really mean that......
Paul
xx

** In case you wonder its from the Greek onkos (ογκος), meaning bulk, mass, or tumor

Its Tuesday........22nd

Hello everyone.....I stand there at the hospital reception every day,people watching....there is so much sadness around,poor children ill,not yet had a full life,and teenagers and middle aged,not yet had many experiences,lots of elderly,maybe living alone,in pain....so much sadness......

Anyway...... I feel fortunate to have my friends here,supporting me.....so.... as there seems not a lot to report on my blog about me me me... I wrote a little poem,about all the lonely people,why not???,J.Lennon wrote Eleanor Rigsby........


IMAGINE

Imagine all the raindrops,pitter patter from the sky,
Imagine every one of thems a question asking why,
Imagine all the thoughts you have,when 'er you look around,
Imagine how others feel,when illness they have found,
Imagine all that suffering,imagine all that pain,
Imagine all the prayers they ask,to be well again,
Imagine how the parents feel,of children taken ill,
Imagine that they ask in prayer,if it really is Gods will,
Imagine what this would be like,facing this alone,
Imagine sharing not with friends,on internet or phone,
Imagine keeping this inside,imagine no ones care,
I cant imagine that at all,I love you all,so there.

xPx

Friday.....

Weekend again...thank goodness for a weekend break./....

Felt really good today,slept wonderfully last night,I think the Morphine helped.When I was climbing off the table after todays treatment,I said,ouch,I think I been laid awkwards...no they said,your radiation burns on your back are getting redder,well... seeing as I cant see for myself,I guess I have to believe them...fancy getting sunburn,with the weather as its been this year haha.

Enjoy your weekends....stay safe...stay positive...
Paul
xx

Thursday.........oh boy...

Long day today,just sat down with my first cuppa since 10 this morn.
The Royal Visit caused chaos galore,patients trapped between floors due to lifts being locked to aid security,I got there ontime for my treatment,dashed through it,and my clinic,only to wander aimlessly,trying to find a way back to transport reception,amongst 100's suits,police,plain clothes and nursing sisters in uniform,I have never seen so many blue and whites,in fact,never knew so many where working in Leeds.

I finally got home at 1845,grabbed a chinese special rice,and added it to a bit of frying steak,onions and mushrooms,I cooked the other night in case lol

My clinic went very well,shes delighted that the left lung is now almost fully inflated again,and agrees that it appears the tumour is losing its grip,she was suprised at the response in so short a session,but I told her I wasnt....if she only knew the crystals,prayers,reiki,angel wings,cards etc etc etc,,,,,,the power of prayer and faith,and for that I thank you all....with tears filling up...thank you.
Shes prescribed morphine for the painful coughing,so few more weeks of your prayers please,till we beat it

tarra

x

Wednesday.............................

Well hurrah.... they had to rescan,the machine was going frantic around me like a crazed, ballet breakdancing robot,apparently,my lung has inflated further to what it did Monday,my breathings improving,they are quite suprised and pleased,I asked if they thought the tumour was releasing its deadly grip,they said,too early to tell....but could be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gimme some of that lol.

Ok....tomorrow is the Royal visit...they like my poems,do the team,so I wrote one about Princess Anne's visit,I hope you all like it,cos they did lol.


Take care....luffs ya lots...x

ROYAL VISIT

Shall we WAVE a flag and say HOW DO,to our Royal Prinny Anne,
When she walks around with hundreds, with her long face ,like she can,
Will she see the SADNESS ,of the patients lives, BOO HOO,
Or just an orchestrated line, of red of white of blue,
Will they show me topless on accelerater, ten,
Fire lines of lime green lasers, let her say the countdown WHEN,
I hope she aint embarrassed if she sees my nipples three,
Or they cure me of cancer then off to Tower me...

xPx

Tuesday update............................

Well my friends,today I was able to have a good zap...they started the day scanning me to see if anything from yesterday had worsened,but they were happy to say,the upper lobe had inflated further,so it gave them an even better shot at the tumour.
And although still coughing a lot,no more signs of fresh blood,only dried blood among the debris,so it seems,the large amounts I choked on yesterday scratched/strained a little blood vessel,and dramatic froth appeared,I realized it would be ok when I got through the day and hadn't drown in blood lol.

So all put your mourning clothes and hats away...they not needed hahahaha
(all except you old shawl wearers,your excused,as long as you put your knitting down clik clak...(dont set me off again) lol)

The radiographer says,the dose is quite intense,so they expect side effects maybe,to show themselves from now,till the next few years,I have to watch and tell them IF....

Tarra...off for a haircut to thugs'R'us...............

Disappointful day.....

Well my friends,I'm just home at 5 after being out since 0810....not such a good day I'm afraid.
It started at 3am,I awoke feeling a bit rough and tried napping till time to get up at 6,made a cuppa,still felt awful,so thought a nice shower with the steam in its cubicle would help as it sometimes does....oh no..... I started coughing violently,fighting for breath,coughing debris gallore,in between struggling to breath,and I mean debris.....,some was the size of half a sugar cube and almost as hard,it was scarey trying to carry on breathing.
I opened the cubicle door,gasping at fresher air to the steam,still coughing violently,and was scared to see coughing up bright red blood....it looked dramatic on the white shower base....still fighting for breath,almost on my knees,I opened the bathroom door to let more cooler air in...I was really gasping,hanging onto the loo seat,and fighting to suck air...

In the end,I went,still dripping,onto my oxygen,it took 15 minutes to calm,but still coughing debris.

I told the ambulance staff when they collected me to take to my treatment,they monitored me till I got to Leeds,then escorted me to my treatment room.
I told them,and they did a quick table scan,within minutes,they stopped the machine and removed me from the area.

Apparently,last month,the tumour had collapsed the upper lobe of my left lung,and they were zapping THAT image,now,it seems,the lobe has inflated,with it came months of debris and strained blood vessels.
They cancelled todays zap as too dangerous,and sent me for a full in depth body scan,so tomorrow,the team can realign the zapper and lasers to the inflated tumoured lobe,and get direct shots at it,which means,an extra day added to my treatment plan.

It will be a long day again tomorrow,as they set laser markers etc again,and start a new plan.

Apart from that.... it was an ordinary day.....

Take care,dont worry...I'm in excellent hands

Paul xx

The Princess Royal Suite

The Princess Royals visit to open Bexley Wing

Ok,if you need excitement and interest,the Princess Royal,The Princess Anne,will officially open the new Oncology Centre at St James Teaching Hospital on Thursday the 17th July,in the afternoon,there obviously is some flag waving and because we are a democracy of free speech,a few mumbles.....not that I have heard any you understand lol.

I only hope that if she visits MY machine whilst I am on it,they will cover my nipples (all three of them) lololll I would hate to offend and be cured of cancer,only to be sent to the Tower hahahaha.

If you want more news about the centre and Her Royal Highness see this link clik

See you laters....off to knit flags....

clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak

are my balls getting smaller?

clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak

Can someone give me a hank as my hands are full.............


Tarra
P
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.......................................................X

Thank Flip its Friday,,,,,,,,,,lol

OK........ weekend to recouperate,thank goodness,I really need it too....if you are having treatment,you know what I mean.This bruising internally chest is now in my back too.

Well... I think maybe (fingers crossed,touch wood)its starting to work,the reason I say that is,when they first diagnosed cancer,I thought...'nooo' they mixed my notes up etc,,,,so I did research online,symptoms etc...I found all my symptoms and some I never dreamt possible,one was finger ends/nails changing.
Apparently,your nails and hair is the only part of the anatomy growing constantly,they say,the first week after death its still grown some.
The nails,so I read,go a kind of blue haze,dependant on part of lung etc,ridges grow on them,some look as if they are nail varnished,some split,become brittle all the time,and the finger ends nail angle shape changes,its called club finger.Read here link

I had it a few months ago,it seemed to settle a bit,now,left hand is starting again,blue streaks,ridges,end of nail angles to finger end roundedness,so obviously,as a learned layman,I detect that a major change is taking place in my left lung,(where the main tumour is).

So hopefully,with the internal bruising I feel,now these and the breathless again,I hope its starting to destroy the cancer.

Fingers crossed everyone...AGAIN........love you all.......I really do......

Thursday night.........

Phew..... bit tired,still bruised..... its to be expected..

The consultant today at my clinic after zap,told me it all seems to be going along well...shes happy she says,and I look like I'm managing the extra strains.

Also the brain scan taken last Tuesday because of left arm/hands numb,tingles...I told her Im sure its muscular on account of the grotesque deformity my body is held at,to get the zapper shot..

She agreed as the bran scan shows nothing,no marks,swollen blood vessels,no signs of stroke..

Shes doing another one in two weeks,with a full body nuclear scan,and my neck as well,as the course session finishes,
Apparently,sessions end July 28th,but the radiation continues working internally for 4-6 weeks.

Ok....thats my update,so no more worries OK

Take care of each other for me...you are all important

.......x

It's Wednesday,midweek.....hurrah

Well.....,
I was feeling a little sore in the chest area and wanted a bit of advice,I had been looking for this sunburn effect,they told me to expect,the reason this high factor moisure cream is applied after each session,but couldn't detect any,untill I took my top off in the dressing room prior to going into my machine area,the cold light in there showed up a largish area of fine veins/blood vessels,brought to the surface mid chest area,its not sore,but it feels bruised internally.

I mentioned it (as I'm told too,not cos I'm a wimp),its ok,thats the exact area we are zapping you...well...she said treating,but you know what these college educated are like hahahaha,

Anyway,it feels really bruised inside,and the seat belt of the transport home nipped a bit,I put my left hand tween belt and my shoulder to lift it away ....

Its only to be expected.

Tomorrow is zap and clinic,so I hope for more news to tell......tarra................ luffs ya all x

Hello my friends....

Just a quick update,I am starting to feel a bit washed out,bashed about,they say its normal,I was glad of the weekend rest away from daily 5 hours travelling and getting Zapped midway through the day.

I never really did much over the weekend,as I was too listless,I even paid the local shop prices rather then go through to Skipton for good supermarket bargains.
They tell you to report everything,so I reported a numbness of fingers left hand and sort of pins and needles left arm,she brought the Oncologist to see me yesterday,who arranged a brain scan to be on the safe side,I will get results Thursday afternoon at her clinic.
I also had a updated scan today,results Thursday as well.

The big boss Radiographer when I asked if brain scan was ok,said he wasnt a Doctor
I said yes,,,,but you tell doctors results lol

He told me,there was nothing major that jumped out significantly from the brain scan.

I said cheers...good lad...(at my age I can call them ALL,good lad.

It just proves how 'on the ball' my team is,mention a prob,next day scan.

Dont ever call the NHS to me...its as old as me,well Im a few months older,,,Cheers Naieve Bevin...Im glad you left the coal pits...

Thanks everyone for your support,its important...x

Radiotherapy..... A poem

A few pictures of my treatment room and Linear Accelerator machine,they allowed me a few pics,if you look closely,you might see a few of the green lasers used for lining up the machine,they lock on to the little green dots(lights) on the machine that enable the computers to control the machine as it slowly moves in silent powerful dance around my body,in a graceful,curing ballet.
When the machine is switched on,and I am the only one in the unprotected part of the room,lasers are criss crossing everywhere from ceilings walls and floors....

RADIOTHERAPY

The donut ,of surgical steel,how your probing eye sees why I feel,
Taking pictures of the hidden depths,with accuracy of vapoured breaths,
Finding clusters,stains and strife,alerting them to save my life,
I lie and watch your ballet dance,around my body's,wondered trance,
And now I lay,in laser lines,as space age knowledge re defines,
The way my body ought to be,evicts the alien from me,
I lie there still,as measured dots,as lines are drawn between what nots,
Looking up at lime green lasers,of accuracy like star wars phasers,
And millimeters marked they said,the numbers resting in my head,
Head and shoulders,in a groove,in silence promise not to move,
I switch my thoughts from pain and sorrow till I hear them......see you Paul ....tomorrow.

xPx

Leeds Cancer Centre

THE St JAMES INSTITUTE
Of ONCOLOGY LEEDS

Well today I started my intense radiotherapy at the Bexley wing of St James teaching hospital Leeds...it is only about a third built and its already created its own landscaped village,and when finished,it will be the premier cancer centre of Europe.

The few photographs that some of you have asked for,do NOT really give it justice,everywhere you walk,look,sit, is astounding, awesome,eyecatching,and soothing and calm,there are even internet cafe,restaurants of differing cultures,aromatherapist,acapuncturists and spiritual healing rooms as alternate therapy.
There are comfy arm chairs, designer sofas,bean bags even,in spacious waiting rooms with bright windows leading onto designer landscaped gardens and patios,there are free iced water machines,and there are reasonably priced vending machines catering for your every wish.
There are cafés,restaurants,coffee bars,brunch bars,banking facilities,its all an absolute dream of NHS in action.

I will add more pics as I go along,as I never took my memory card so was limited to the first 14 pics of the approach.
To see this place is to believe,and I ,like thousands of others,believe that cancer,caught early enough,is now curable more and more,for that we thank God.

My one wish....you never get to visit it ............................

Treatment day......

If I said I wasn't worried,would I lie?,
How my mind my heart my soul has waited, for this first day of July,
Will invisible rays of healing make me well?,
Or just another ticket to the door marked Heaven/Hell,
Think positive I shouted with my silent fears last night,
As I laid in lonely darkness,and hugged myself in fright,
I know my friends are praying,and all got fingers crossed,
So I must be very strong,or their hard work will be lost,
Please forgive my brief encounter with this questioning of why,
But why should it be only girls and little boys who cry?.

xPx

Friends

Dear God...I know you're watching over me,and I'm feeling truly blessed,
For no matter what I pray for,you always know what's best!,
I have this circle of hand picked friends,who mean so much to me,
Some days I 'send' and 'send' them text,at other times, I let them be,
I am so blessed to have these friends,with whom I've grown so close,
So this little poem I dedicate to them,because to me they are the Most,
When I see each name download,and view the message they have sent,
I know they've thought of me that day,and 'well wished' their intent,
So to you, my friends, I would like to say,thank you for being a part,
Of all my daily contacts,this comes right from my heart,
God bless you, is my prayer today,I'm honoured to call you 'friend',
I pray that God will keep us safe,until we txt again.

xPx

Veterans Day

Well today I feel bit down,I had planned to attend UK's first Veterans Day,and ,although I received my medal early in the year,I was looking forwards to going to Blackpool,as my friends know,I go to Blackpool often.
I was really looking forwards to seeing all the events planned and yes,was looking forwards to marching with my old comrades... unfortunately,Im not up to it,and all though I suppose there will be lots and lots in a worse position then me,I also have been told to rest up before my intense radiotherapy next week for the whole of July,also I have a medical appointment arranged by my solicitor, in connection with my past employment with asbestos.

Also,my GP rang yesterday to say,the blood test he had done last Tuesday,to see if the new heart pills are affecting my kidneys,shows they are,so I have to have another on Monday,if its still bad,I really dont know what they plan,I hope they dont take me off the heart pills,they made me feel so much better,before them,I was just an invalid,sleeping most of the time,or sat with my oxygen mask on....we will see,fingers crossed again.

So.... any ex UK forces out there,I salute you,brother in arms.Any OTHER world forces,I salute YOU too,god bless you all...amen

Happy Birthday

Do you know its Paddington Bears 50th birthday today.... I think hes the original 'hoody' he has a website too,just to lighten up this blog.... have a nice day,going for my marmalade sandwich see thee.......x

Stop worrying please lol

You really are a special lot,to worry as you do,
If you dont see updates on this blog you go boo hoo,
Please dont worry,Im ok,Im same as you,with a bad/good day,
I just decided,not to bore,you have YOUR lives,I know the score,
I decided just to put main things,you know,the kind that makes phone rings,
You really dont need daily drivel,you have your own pains too,
If worried,then just contact me,I will reply to you.

Loves you all
xPx

Wednesday June 18th

Well hello,
Its Wednesday,the day of the race has arrived at last and I am feeling a little apprehensive,the thoughts of the unknown,people to meet on my new treatment team,new machines to understand,new hopes of a cure....lets hope my prayers and the very many from my friends are answered.
Not sure if treatment starts today,or if,as I suspect,its the intoduction day as in the information given to me by Dr Henry's staff last Friday,and in my brief letter from Leeds,or as this brilliantly informative site tells...in case you have not yet visited it,heres the link again Click on external beam.

Well I have to say that the new heart pills are fantastic,I feel like a new man (where can I get one at this time of day...[Dick Emery voice]you are awful....but I like you )hahaha.Incase you are wondering they are Irbesarten and Clopidogrel... strange sounding names I agree but for the technically minded,they strengthen my heart,thin my blood,reduce my BP,and boy,do I feel so much better,the fluids are gone from my calves,ankles and feet,I can wear normal shoes,and my feet look their normal boney sinewy selfs after months of looking like swollen cushions lol,also the fluid seems gone from my lungs which means I can feel the starts of my cancer pains,but at least I am feeling alive,not sleeping exhausted or sat in my chair with my oxygen mask bringing me relief for hours on end.

Bless all scientists who struggle through University and colleges to learn enough to discover these new drugs,bless also,the parents of the students who struggle to support their childrens learnings,here is my public thank you,here too is a public thank you to my GP Doctor Ashley Davies of Settle Health Centre,what a bloody brilliant GP...thank you sir....

Right...I've bored you all enough,time for a cuppa,watch the news,shower then await hospital transport to Leeds...cheerio everyone,may your own Gods go with you
xPx