Tuesdays last visit this session.....

Well my friends,today was my last zap,it will keep on working for a few months now internally,some side effects will wear off in a few weeks,some a few months,some are permanent such as shortage of breath because an area of the lung had to be 'fried' to destruction.

A few weeks ago,when the team leader allowed me a few pictures of the restricted treatment area,I told him it was for a blog site,not only for my friends to keep informed,but also for people to see what the treatment etc is to be expected and take away the fear and mystery,as a result,he suggested a few pics of the final zap,that friends could concentrate their thoughts,prayers and healing vibes on rather then their imagination.
I wasn't sure as I thought it would make my site seem more of me me me,but after asking a few of you,you almost demanded that course of action...I told team leader Paul,and he agreed 3 pics of my last zap session today,within safety restrictions of the treatment area,so here they are.

Any questions,write them on the back of a five pounds note and send them to Macmillan Cancer Support, FREEPOST LON 16080, London, SE1 7BR.

I wish to publicly thank,all the staff of the hospital and in particular everyone on suite LA10,bless you all.

Thank you all for sharing my journey,without you all,there might not have been a full stop to this blog

. (full stop)

Friday....thank goodness

I thought they were going to cancel the zap this morning,I was ok till the 2 hours bumpy ride to Leeds,when I got there I was sick,coughing bad,bringing up lots debri and dried blood,and was quite painful,anyway,few drinks of water,few good coughs,a back massage and I was fit enough to lie on the machine....thank goodness.

Back home now looking forwards to a long weekend,no journeys,no zapping,hurrah....its getting quite an ordeal,and it hurts to swallow as my gullet is getting stray zapping as they shoot the tumour wrapped around my main artery,but....if its trying to cure me,why should I complain.
Have a lovely weekend my friends,enjoy and take care of yourselves.

xPx

Thursday clinic day....my **oncologist**

Hello....it was zap and clinic today,my oncologist is pleased with the progress and says that its now just a case of scanning me regularly and looking for any new growth starting.

She said that after Tuesdays last zap,it will remain working and burning away for 2 - 3 months inside,causing side effects up to a year ahead,some effects such as shortage of breath will be permanent,as they have 'fried' the offending area,it will only show up on a scan now as a heavily scarred area,so.... I asked how I will know if its cured,she says,with regular monitoring and scanning,they can see the damaged lung,if they see a change,it will be the cancer regrowing,and as they cannot zap the same area again,it will be so heavily scarred that it will be a slow growing tumour and therefore give me another 18months to 2 years before it becomes as dangerous as it was last month.

Its all a case of fingers crossed,and keep up our prayers....but please...Im not selfish,I'm grateful for all your prayers and if you need to concentrate your prayers on yourselves or another worthy soul,please do so......I cant keep taking all your energies.....I'm thankful to be carried this far.....bless you all... I really really mean that......
Paul
xx

** In case you wonder its from the Greek onkos (ογκος), meaning bulk, mass, or tumor

Its Tuesday........22nd

Hello everyone.....I stand there at the hospital reception every day,people watching....there is so much sadness around,poor children ill,not yet had a full life,and teenagers and middle aged,not yet had many experiences,lots of elderly,maybe living alone,in pain....so much sadness......

Anyway...... I feel fortunate to have my friends here,supporting me.....so.... as there seems not a lot to report on my blog about me me me... I wrote a little poem,about all the lonely people,why not???,J.Lennon wrote Eleanor Rigsby........


IMAGINE

Imagine all the raindrops,pitter patter from the sky,
Imagine every one of thems a question asking why,
Imagine all the thoughts you have,when 'er you look around,
Imagine how others feel,when illness they have found,
Imagine all that suffering,imagine all that pain,
Imagine all the prayers they ask,to be well again,
Imagine how the parents feel,of children taken ill,
Imagine that they ask in prayer,if it really is Gods will,
Imagine what this would be like,facing this alone,
Imagine sharing not with friends,on internet or phone,
Imagine keeping this inside,imagine no ones care,
I cant imagine that at all,I love you all,so there.

xPx

Friday.....

Weekend again...thank goodness for a weekend break./....

Felt really good today,slept wonderfully last night,I think the Morphine helped.When I was climbing off the table after todays treatment,I said,ouch,I think I been laid awkwards...no they said,your radiation burns on your back are getting redder,well... seeing as I cant see for myself,I guess I have to believe them...fancy getting sunburn,with the weather as its been this year haha.

Enjoy your weekends....stay safe...stay positive...
Paul
xx

Thursday.........oh boy...

Long day today,just sat down with my first cuppa since 10 this morn.
The Royal Visit caused chaos galore,patients trapped between floors due to lifts being locked to aid security,I got there ontime for my treatment,dashed through it,and my clinic,only to wander aimlessly,trying to find a way back to transport reception,amongst 100's suits,police,plain clothes and nursing sisters in uniform,I have never seen so many blue and whites,in fact,never knew so many where working in Leeds.

I finally got home at 1845,grabbed a chinese special rice,and added it to a bit of frying steak,onions and mushrooms,I cooked the other night in case lol

My clinic went very well,shes delighted that the left lung is now almost fully inflated again,and agrees that it appears the tumour is losing its grip,she was suprised at the response in so short a session,but I told her I wasnt....if she only knew the crystals,prayers,reiki,angel wings,cards etc etc etc,,,,,,the power of prayer and faith,and for that I thank you all....with tears filling up...thank you.
Shes prescribed morphine for the painful coughing,so few more weeks of your prayers please,till we beat it

tarra

x

Wednesday.............................

Well hurrah.... they had to rescan,the machine was going frantic around me like a crazed, ballet breakdancing robot,apparently,my lung has inflated further to what it did Monday,my breathings improving,they are quite suprised and pleased,I asked if they thought the tumour was releasing its deadly grip,they said,too early to tell....but could be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gimme some of that lol.

Ok....tomorrow is the Royal visit...they like my poems,do the team,so I wrote one about Princess Anne's visit,I hope you all like it,cos they did lol.


Take care....luffs ya lots...x

ROYAL VISIT

Shall we WAVE a flag and say HOW DO,to our Royal Prinny Anne,
When she walks around with hundreds, with her long face ,like she can,
Will she see the SADNESS ,of the patients lives, BOO HOO,
Or just an orchestrated line, of red of white of blue,
Will they show me topless on accelerater, ten,
Fire lines of lime green lasers, let her say the countdown WHEN,
I hope she aint embarrassed if she sees my nipples three,
Or they cure me of cancer then off to Tower me...

xPx

Tuesday update............................

Well my friends,today I was able to have a good zap...they started the day scanning me to see if anything from yesterday had worsened,but they were happy to say,the upper lobe had inflated further,so it gave them an even better shot at the tumour.
And although still coughing a lot,no more signs of fresh blood,only dried blood among the debris,so it seems,the large amounts I choked on yesterday scratched/strained a little blood vessel,and dramatic froth appeared,I realized it would be ok when I got through the day and hadn't drown in blood lol.

So all put your mourning clothes and hats away...they not needed hahahaha
(all except you old shawl wearers,your excused,as long as you put your knitting down clik clak...(dont set me off again) lol)

The radiographer says,the dose is quite intense,so they expect side effects maybe,to show themselves from now,till the next few years,I have to watch and tell them IF....

Tarra...off for a haircut to thugs'R'us...............

Disappointful day.....

Well my friends,I'm just home at 5 after being out since 0810....not such a good day I'm afraid.
It started at 3am,I awoke feeling a bit rough and tried napping till time to get up at 6,made a cuppa,still felt awful,so thought a nice shower with the steam in its cubicle would help as it sometimes does....oh no..... I started coughing violently,fighting for breath,coughing debris gallore,in between struggling to breath,and I mean debris.....,some was the size of half a sugar cube and almost as hard,it was scarey trying to carry on breathing.
I opened the cubicle door,gasping at fresher air to the steam,still coughing violently,and was scared to see coughing up bright red blood....it looked dramatic on the white shower base....still fighting for breath,almost on my knees,I opened the bathroom door to let more cooler air in...I was really gasping,hanging onto the loo seat,and fighting to suck air...

In the end,I went,still dripping,onto my oxygen,it took 15 minutes to calm,but still coughing debris.

I told the ambulance staff when they collected me to take to my treatment,they monitored me till I got to Leeds,then escorted me to my treatment room.
I told them,and they did a quick table scan,within minutes,they stopped the machine and removed me from the area.

Apparently,last month,the tumour had collapsed the upper lobe of my left lung,and they were zapping THAT image,now,it seems,the lobe has inflated,with it came months of debris and strained blood vessels.
They cancelled todays zap as too dangerous,and sent me for a full in depth body scan,so tomorrow,the team can realign the zapper and lasers to the inflated tumoured lobe,and get direct shots at it,which means,an extra day added to my treatment plan.

It will be a long day again tomorrow,as they set laser markers etc again,and start a new plan.

Apart from that.... it was an ordinary day.....

Take care,dont worry...I'm in excellent hands

Paul xx

The Princess Royal Suite

The Princess Royals visit to open Bexley Wing

Ok,if you need excitement and interest,the Princess Royal,The Princess Anne,will officially open the new Oncology Centre at St James Teaching Hospital on Thursday the 17th July,in the afternoon,there obviously is some flag waving and because we are a democracy of free speech,a few mumbles.....not that I have heard any you understand lol.

I only hope that if she visits MY machine whilst I am on it,they will cover my nipples (all three of them) lololll I would hate to offend and be cured of cancer,only to be sent to the Tower hahahaha.

If you want more news about the centre and Her Royal Highness see this link clik

See you laters....off to knit flags....

clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak

are my balls getting smaller?

clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak

Can someone give me a hank as my hands are full.............


Tarra
P
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.......................................................X

Thank Flip its Friday,,,,,,,,,,lol

OK........ weekend to recouperate,thank goodness,I really need it too....if you are having treatment,you know what I mean.This bruising internally chest is now in my back too.

Well... I think maybe (fingers crossed,touch wood)its starting to work,the reason I say that is,when they first diagnosed cancer,I thought...'nooo' they mixed my notes up etc,,,,so I did research online,symptoms etc...I found all my symptoms and some I never dreamt possible,one was finger ends/nails changing.
Apparently,your nails and hair is the only part of the anatomy growing constantly,they say,the first week after death its still grown some.
The nails,so I read,go a kind of blue haze,dependant on part of lung etc,ridges grow on them,some look as if they are nail varnished,some split,become brittle all the time,and the finger ends nail angle shape changes,its called club finger.Read here link

I had it a few months ago,it seemed to settle a bit,now,left hand is starting again,blue streaks,ridges,end of nail angles to finger end roundedness,so obviously,as a learned layman,I detect that a major change is taking place in my left lung,(where the main tumour is).

So hopefully,with the internal bruising I feel,now these and the breathless again,I hope its starting to destroy the cancer.

Fingers crossed everyone...AGAIN........love you all.......I really do......

Thursday night.........

Phew..... bit tired,still bruised..... its to be expected..

The consultant today at my clinic after zap,told me it all seems to be going along well...shes happy she says,and I look like I'm managing the extra strains.

Also the brain scan taken last Tuesday because of left arm/hands numb,tingles...I told her Im sure its muscular on account of the grotesque deformity my body is held at,to get the zapper shot..

She agreed as the bran scan shows nothing,no marks,swollen blood vessels,no signs of stroke..

Shes doing another one in two weeks,with a full body nuclear scan,and my neck as well,as the course session finishes,
Apparently,sessions end July 28th,but the radiation continues working internally for 4-6 weeks.

Ok....thats my update,so no more worries OK

Take care of each other for me...you are all important

.......x

It's Wednesday,midweek.....hurrah

Well.....,
I was feeling a little sore in the chest area and wanted a bit of advice,I had been looking for this sunburn effect,they told me to expect,the reason this high factor moisure cream is applied after each session,but couldn't detect any,untill I took my top off in the dressing room prior to going into my machine area,the cold light in there showed up a largish area of fine veins/blood vessels,brought to the surface mid chest area,its not sore,but it feels bruised internally.

I mentioned it (as I'm told too,not cos I'm a wimp),its ok,thats the exact area we are zapping you...well...she said treating,but you know what these college educated are like hahahaha,

Anyway,it feels really bruised inside,and the seat belt of the transport home nipped a bit,I put my left hand tween belt and my shoulder to lift it away ....

Its only to be expected.

Tomorrow is zap and clinic,so I hope for more news to tell......tarra................ luffs ya all x

Hello my friends....

Just a quick update,I am starting to feel a bit washed out,bashed about,they say its normal,I was glad of the weekend rest away from daily 5 hours travelling and getting Zapped midway through the day.

I never really did much over the weekend,as I was too listless,I even paid the local shop prices rather then go through to Skipton for good supermarket bargains.
They tell you to report everything,so I reported a numbness of fingers left hand and sort of pins and needles left arm,she brought the Oncologist to see me yesterday,who arranged a brain scan to be on the safe side,I will get results Thursday afternoon at her clinic.
I also had a updated scan today,results Thursday as well.

The big boss Radiographer when I asked if brain scan was ok,said he wasnt a Doctor
I said yes,,,,but you tell doctors results lol

He told me,there was nothing major that jumped out significantly from the brain scan.

I said cheers...good lad...(at my age I can call them ALL,good lad.

It just proves how 'on the ball' my team is,mention a prob,next day scan.

Dont ever call the NHS to me...its as old as me,well Im a few months older,,,Cheers Naieve Bevin...Im glad you left the coal pits...

Thanks everyone for your support,its important...x

Radiotherapy..... A poem

A few pictures of my treatment room and Linear Accelerator machine,they allowed me a few pics,if you look closely,you might see a few of the green lasers used for lining up the machine,they lock on to the little green dots(lights) on the machine that enable the computers to control the machine as it slowly moves in silent powerful dance around my body,in a graceful,curing ballet.
When the machine is switched on,and I am the only one in the unprotected part of the room,lasers are criss crossing everywhere from ceilings walls and floors....

RADIOTHERAPY

The donut ,of surgical steel,how your probing eye sees why I feel,
Taking pictures of the hidden depths,with accuracy of vapoured breaths,
Finding clusters,stains and strife,alerting them to save my life,
I lie and watch your ballet dance,around my body's,wondered trance,
And now I lay,in laser lines,as space age knowledge re defines,
The way my body ought to be,evicts the alien from me,
I lie there still,as measured dots,as lines are drawn between what nots,
Looking up at lime green lasers,of accuracy like star wars phasers,
And millimeters marked they said,the numbers resting in my head,
Head and shoulders,in a groove,in silence promise not to move,
I switch my thoughts from pain and sorrow till I hear them......see you Paul ....tomorrow.

xPx

Leeds Cancer Centre

THE St JAMES INSTITUTE
Of ONCOLOGY LEEDS

Well today I started my intense radiotherapy at the Bexley wing of St James teaching hospital Leeds...it is only about a third built and its already created its own landscaped village,and when finished,it will be the premier cancer centre of Europe.

The few photographs that some of you have asked for,do NOT really give it justice,everywhere you walk,look,sit, is astounding, awesome,eyecatching,and soothing and calm,there are even internet cafe,restaurants of differing cultures,aromatherapist,acapuncturists and spiritual healing rooms as alternate therapy.
There are comfy arm chairs, designer sofas,bean bags even,in spacious waiting rooms with bright windows leading onto designer landscaped gardens and patios,there are free iced water machines,and there are reasonably priced vending machines catering for your every wish.
There are cafés,restaurants,coffee bars,brunch bars,banking facilities,its all an absolute dream of NHS in action.

I will add more pics as I go along,as I never took my memory card so was limited to the first 14 pics of the approach.
To see this place is to believe,and I ,like thousands of others,believe that cancer,caught early enough,is now curable more and more,for that we thank God.

My one wish....you never get to visit it ............................

Treatment day......

If I said I wasn't worried,would I lie?,
How my mind my heart my soul has waited, for this first day of July,
Will invisible rays of healing make me well?,
Or just another ticket to the door marked Heaven/Hell,
Think positive I shouted with my silent fears last night,
As I laid in lonely darkness,and hugged myself in fright,
I know my friends are praying,and all got fingers crossed,
So I must be very strong,or their hard work will be lost,
Please forgive my brief encounter with this questioning of why,
But why should it be only girls and little boys who cry?.

xPx