I needed to chat to my blog today,all my life,right from my abused childhood,I have put on a brave couldn't care less face...my shield against everything.
Today...I'm scared...I feel like running away but there is nowhere to run to,I know I should stay positive but I feel as if I am now on a conveyer belt, heading towards a crusher..... I hope today is not the start of the end.
Tarra....will let you all know as usual...sorry if I seem negative today....I even prayed but could not feel Gods presence,but thats daft cos hes always there for everyone.....sorry God x
P
love you all
xx
Afternoon edit............
Well I went for several scans,must wait now till February 9th for consultants results...fingers crossed.
About me feeling scared this morning,well.... I got to the hospital waiting room and picked up a very old magazine,expecting to read about the relief of Mafekin,I opened it to read wise words from Nelson Mandella.
quote "The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid,but he who conquers fear"unquote......
Today I felt a brave man......thank you God...
Friday 30 January 2009
Thursday 22 January 2009
Twenty second
Bit scared today.... I was not feeling too bad after yesterday when I had a really bad turn in the shower,similar to the one I had in July last year when my lung reinflated.
Not sure if same happened yesterday but my breathing felt a little better and was easier to cough debris up (yuk...sorry)
Wasn't feeling too bad this morning,walking to papershop I coughed gently,knew I had cleared debri and found a drain in the gutter to discreetly get rid..(you would be suprised how many tissues I buy).....there was bright red clot of blood,it scared me,I was dreading a day when that happened when I had not been straining myself to cause blood vessels to rupture.... I'm praying its not another step closer in this terrible disease and that its only a little 'show'.....fingers crossed.
Sorry to post but I'm a bit scared and needed to get it off my chest (no pun intended).
Take care everyone
Loves you all................................
Not sure if same happened yesterday but my breathing felt a little better and was easier to cough debris up (yuk...sorry)
Wasn't feeling too bad this morning,walking to papershop I coughed gently,knew I had cleared debri and found a drain in the gutter to discreetly get rid..(you would be suprised how many tissues I buy).....there was bright red clot of blood,it scared me,I was dreading a day when that happened when I had not been straining myself to cause blood vessels to rupture.... I'm praying its not another step closer in this terrible disease and that its only a little 'show'.....fingers crossed.
Sorry to post but I'm a bit scared and needed to get it off my chest (no pun intended).
Take care everyone
Loves you all................................
Publish Post
Monday 19 January 2009
Monday 19th January,New year,2009
Hello everyone,
Oh well...first visit to the chest consultant this year was today,I had to tell him about pains in my back and neck,breathlessness returning,both arms pins and needles,pain in ribs and chest and feeling bruised on the side of neck similar to tonsilitis.
I had new chest X rays due which were taken,they showed lots more clouding which Mr Raashed was not to happy with.
He told me the radical intense radio therapy last year we all knew about the collateral damage it would do,my gullet is still causing me nausea,and so the clouding he said,lots were scaring and fibrosis hardening through RT,but he didn't really like the look or the amount of it in conjunction with the other returning symptoms.
I could tell by his attitude also...last year it was " we will give you intense radiotherapy to kill it,keep your faith"...today was " well,surgery would have helped a lot more,but you were too weak to have it,plus there was heart damage to a valve,plus a tumour growing parallel to the main artery...so we had to do RT,which we all knew was only 40% chance of success". HUH !
Anyway...he arranged a CT scan in the next 2 weeks if I wanted it,plus he examined my neck telling me there was swollen lymph glands,which he wasn't happy with and asked if he could arrange a needle biopsy at same time as the scan,I agreed of course.
He said,he will see me in 3 weeks,and see the results of CT/biopsy,and then arrange for me to be admitted again overnight for a bronchoscope again,same as I had before,the one which produced the picture of the tumour sat in my left bronchii which is on this blog earlier.
Well my friends,thanks so much for all your thoughts,cards and prayers,they really do mean so much,please dont think I am letting you down...I really really am trying and eating healthily etc...fingers crossed.
I have,since last year,kept mental stepping stones,to aim for in this dangerous river I find myself trying to navigate.
I wanted to kick Autumn leaves again...kick snow again...toast my Christmas day turkey with a small malt....see the new year in.... see the first black president sworn into office...ok so far..... I'm starting to get to a point of,thank you God I awoke this morning...I suppose we all get like this at times.
Its lovely knowing you are all there for me.....tarra for now........... Dont cry for me Argentina....
Oh well...first visit to the chest consultant this year was today,I had to tell him about pains in my back and neck,breathlessness returning,both arms pins and needles,pain in ribs and chest and feeling bruised on the side of neck similar to tonsilitis.
I had new chest X rays due which were taken,they showed lots more clouding which Mr Raashed was not to happy with.
He told me the radical intense radio therapy last year we all knew about the collateral damage it would do,my gullet is still causing me nausea,and so the clouding he said,lots were scaring and fibrosis hardening through RT,but he didn't really like the look or the amount of it in conjunction with the other returning symptoms.
I could tell by his attitude also...last year it was " we will give you intense radiotherapy to kill it,keep your faith"...today was " well,surgery would have helped a lot more,but you were too weak to have it,plus there was heart damage to a valve,plus a tumour growing parallel to the main artery...so we had to do RT,which we all knew was only 40% chance of success". HUH !
Anyway...he arranged a CT scan in the next 2 weeks if I wanted it,plus he examined my neck telling me there was swollen lymph glands,which he wasn't happy with and asked if he could arrange a needle biopsy at same time as the scan,I agreed of course.
He said,he will see me in 3 weeks,and see the results of CT/biopsy,and then arrange for me to be admitted again overnight for a bronchoscope again,same as I had before,the one which produced the picture of the tumour sat in my left bronchii which is on this blog earlier.
Well my friends,thanks so much for all your thoughts,cards and prayers,they really do mean so much,please dont think I am letting you down...I really really am trying and eating healthily etc...fingers crossed.
I have,since last year,kept mental stepping stones,to aim for in this dangerous river I find myself trying to navigate.
I wanted to kick Autumn leaves again...kick snow again...toast my Christmas day turkey with a small malt....see the new year in.... see the first black president sworn into office...ok so far..... I'm starting to get to a point of,thank you God I awoke this morning...I suppose we all get like this at times.
Its lovely knowing you are all there for me.....tarra for now........... Dont cry for me Argentina....
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