Christmas memorial

Georges little memorial at my village churchyard,its lovely and peaceful,between two miniature trees,next to a rustic bench at the end of a path.
It is visited daily by wildlife,which would have thrilled George.
Merry Christmas No1 son,missing you so much
Dad
xx

Technology

Well my friends,
Today I attended the cardio respiratory unit at Airedale Hospital,Keighley to have my echo cardiogram,quite a painless affair,I must admit,hearing my heart pump blood and flushing,was miraculous,or was it scary?,.....maybe a bit of both,you don't realize a small organ like a heart can do so much work 24/7 and for more than 61 years too lol.

In case anyone is interested in what its all about,here is a website explaining,I had a 3D echo performed,to get a real time picture

See here (but don't forget to hold Ctrl key down or you will lose this page)

Thats all for now,thanks again for your thoughts and prayers and support
Bless you all
Paul
xx
.
.

X Factor final

Well young Joe won,I'm so pleased,it was a very emotional song,and seemed that the words were not only meaningful for many many people,but especially so for me.
Not only does it make me realize the battle I have taken on,but also,makes me think of the climb of the Castleberg Rock looking from my kitchen window.Its not how I get there,whether in person,or in my mind,or having a track named after my struggle,its the climb,as the lyrics say.

Here are the lyrics,all copyrights respected

The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


© HOPELESS ROSE MUSIC; VISTAVILLE MUSIC;

All of you with your own climbs.....keep faith,you can achieve your goal
.
.

To quote a quote

I stumbled upon this quote on the MacMillan site,I thought it worthy of sharing....

I have walked amongst giants hewn from solid oak and granite,reduced to splinters and sand,
and women so ravaged that all that is left is their beauty from within.

We are the cancer community – a brotherhood so strong that we will kick the arse of this vile disease and god help anyone who gets in our way!

We may be dribbling, incontinent, sometimes vague but we are on a mission that only we truly understand.
So please remember that when we appear to take no prisoners!


'Nuff said.........
.
.

Rememrance day November 11th 2009

If you never saw my remembrance day poem on my website....I copy it here......

LEST WE FORGET............


As this maybe,as others see,a road so paved in fear,
Eleventh day,Eleventh month of yet another year,
With poppy petals we adorn,for sacrifices all have shown,
We will not forget you,family and friends wont let you,
In our thoughts till your spirits rise,
The buglers last post wets our eyes,
Thank you from all of us,for freedom in this world of cuss.

Respects
Paul

Another clinic

Well,it was a visit to Dr Rasheed's clinic and X Rays,I have been having quite a lot of new pains in my back and ribs so I was dreading going.
Had back X Rays the other week,as I told my GP,that I thought it was all coming from my Ankylosing Spondilosis,a problem with my back since 1974.
Rasheed say,X Ray showed no new tumour growth for the 3rd quarter,so I was delighted,he viewed the XRays to my back which showed,as I suspected,my Kypho-Scholiosis (S shaped spine) and the Ankylosing Spondylosis (a severe form of athritis).

I was pleased as he was when viewing the chest X Rays,he said he thinks now,that he can start looking at repairing the heart valve,there is a parallel butted sarcoma,alongside,and a heart valve not closing properly,so I was not well enough before to let them open me up,and see if they could scrape away the sarcoma,or if it was intrusive (intertwined).
He ordered a blood test for counts and gave me an application to give Cardio Respiratory clinic.As I arrived home,they phoned with appointment for December 14th,for ultra sound scans,to get a 3D picture of heart and its surroundings,so they must now be thinking its worth spending money on me,lol,life's good...God's good....

God bless you all who are following my journey,its all mind over matter...most of you are always in my mind,the rest don't matter lol.

Tarra batties......go flap your wings.....
Paul
xx

Castleberg Crag

This is the view from my kitchen window of Castleberg Crag,it is the toe of the Pennine chain,the backbone of Britain.


When I was fitter,I often hiked to the top,on the footpath to read my newspaper and look at the views.
Last year,due to loose rocks,the path was put out of bounds as a danger until the Rock Climbers of UK had an idea to open it as a new climbing centre,with some sponsors of local business to pay for the climbing fixings etc.
The local council agreed and on May 2nd 2008 it was officially opened,ironically,it was my 60th birthday and the day I was diagnosed with cancer being given 6-9 months to live, without radical treatment.
I watched from my lonely health induced prison cell of a kitchen with envy,the climbers enjoying themselves so much,knowing I would never be able to join them on the rock ever again,but there was another thing I could do,I could sponsor a climb.
There were already 25 runs sorted,and Dave Musgrove the rock climbing contact promised to look in the Autumn for a new fairly challenging one I could sponsor.
This week he emailed me with climb # 26,from the bottom right corner,across several climbs,to the top left,using overhangs etc as added challenges.

I am so pleased that I can name it,not just for me,but to show respect for all battlers of this horrid disease.
The new climb is to be called "Paul Taylor's climb for life"

Read press reports and pics about the climbing experience. HERE
And also the official rockclimbers articles about the climbs etc HERE
God bless all the climbers,protect them from harm.
Paul
xx

George's birthday

October the 13th would have been George's 38th birthday,it was a very emotional day,I went through to Hull to visit his grave,to take a carving of an Eagle in wood,Eagles were Georges favourite birds.
It was the first time I had visited his grave since his funeral 13th July,the soil is settling well and grass seed has been sown,it was wonderful to see paw prints of foxes on the soft soil,he would have been thrilled to know,wildlife had visited so closely.
The grave will look better when his headstone is erected in January,the time alloted by the parks and cemeteries department in Hull.
The pictures show his grave next to his nannas,Mary Agnes Stork (nee MacSporran,the purse holders to the MacDonald clan)I am really pleased I bought the ajoining grave as our family plot,side by side he is not alone,he is also 4 rows exactly up from his cousin Lee,and my late sister Carol,his aunt.
The support of my friends really helped me that day,as they do on so many occasions,God bless you all.
Paul
xx

September 2nd how time flies

Its 2 months today since my eldest son died,sat talking to him in our Churchyard today,sat on the new rustic bench by his flower vase,I feel able for the first time to put a little verse for him....







Our place of peace

Churchyard headstones,row on row,
A rustic seat,where I can go,
To talk to you,I miss you so,
But in heaven George,these things you know,

You watch at day,on clouds so light,
In darkness,you are,a star so bright,
To help me with my sadness fight,
Your memory,always,in my sight.
xDadx

August bank holiday Monday

Well,its bank holiday Monday and this time last year I was so ill I seriously wondered if I would see it this year,or,to be honest,would I see Christmas ?..

I guess if you have got this far in reading my blogspot then reading my comments on my birthday 1st May,you will know of the things driving me.... you might be pleased to know I visited the newly built ASDA superstore at Keighley and although not a ASDA fan it was a milestone I aimed for...today is the grand opening of the new TESCO superstore in Skipton that I have watched being built,I will visit today...another milestone,although I am a Morrisons customer and intend to remain loyal lol.

The Giggleswick Riverside Walk was completed and opened to the public a few weeks ago,another milestone and the pictures are on my website for you all to enjoy here look also when on my site at the Hydro electric power plant that was my next milestone,due to be opened in the next few weeks by (its rumoured) members of Take That,as they have cottages in nearby villages and some members are shareholders of the green scheme.
Have a lovely day everyone...thanks for reading and following my blog.
God bless
xPaulx

Another success.............................

Went to see my consultant this morning at Airedale,had X-Rays taken,good examination by the Doctors,he has told me,there seems no changes since May,my last examination,so.....yippeeeeeee

I am still IN REMISSION

Be happy everyone,but I still feel that somehow the Lord has spared me,and took my son George on the second of July...I miss him so much

So sad to say

My eldest son George passed away on Thursday 2nd July 2009 at 0840, after a long illness,he would have been 38 on October 13th,...what else do I say??........................

Rest in peace Number one............................

Lasted a month this time......

Well.... as I said in a previous post,I rejoined freedating.co.uk again,for the 5th time in 4 years,hoping it had changed,but alas,with the exception of a very few members (count on one hand) it remains a closed shop....all in their little cliques with I suspect,more action going on in pm or on messengers than actually goes on in the forum,I thought maybe I would get some interaction,some company,but no,they all seem to be the same...in their little playground gangs

Oh well... back to my multi channel telly and my few dedicated friends.

If you are thinking of joining dating sites,take my advice and DON'T lol
Have a good day,stay safe

BRILLIANT DAY...........................

I am in REMISSION.............................

Hurrah hurrah hurrah.........................what a great feeling.....

Just back from Oncologist who says I am in remission,carry on as I have been doing stay positive,see me in a year,but chest consultant every 3 months with chest investigations and xrays/bronchoscopes etc.
The tumour is still there,half the size of its original angry size,and it has stayed that size since January,half the size of the cap of an aerosol can,so she cannot say I am cured.

The nuclear scan I had in April reports no 'hot spots' (cancer cell clusters) any where from neck to ankles,they never did brain as its not so long since a brain scan which was ok.
She is really pleased cos as she said " I have really been through a lot,and at the start it was touch and go,but I am looking so well,and gave me a hug,which was nice,shes a really nice lady,soft Irish accent and young lol AND married gggrrrr..
She regrets that they cannot do anything to repair the damaged heart valve except a heart replacement,but that is not a consideration at present as my breathing would cause complications,obviously.

So my friends,a really really big thank you for all your support which without a doubt has kept me going through some really dark times,God bless you all and thank you my forever friends.
Love you
Paul
xx

Sunday 24th May

Oh well, another boring weekend... I was all ready at 0745 on Friday for my patient transport,it was late, so as normal,I rang the transport office,they had no appointment for my collection,yet I had the letter... oh well...wait till secretaries arrive in their offices at 0830 in Airdale and Leeds hospitals to find out why.

After numerous phone calls,it was found that the Oncologists secretary sent me the appointment date letter with transport details,but failed to tell the transport desk.
She apologizes profusely....."its ok" I said,but under my breath I thought.... I wonder how YOU would feel,waiting to get news from the Oncologist about your cancer...life or death... and having to wait yet ANOTHER week??

Cant be helped,also I tried to rejoin an old chat sites a few weeks ago and after a few days,still met hostilities head on,I really cannot understand why,after all,its the main reason I started this blog years ago,to explain about the real me,and my quietness and inability to mix due to my childhood abuse and experiences...so its not been a good weekend...why am I hated so much when I am so full of kindnesses?.I suppose I ought to be use to it at my age but will I ever???

Glad my blog is there as a silent listener to my thoughts.....

Good news

Hello my friends,how good do I feel?.....

Today I had to go for the results of my PET scan that I had on April 14th,the scan is where they feed you nuclear isotope on glucose via intravenous drip,and after allowing it to flood the body,they take thousands of 3D pictures of the whole body from neck to feet,the idea is,that cancer cells gorge themselves on the glucose and take more isotope before ordinary cells have chance to feed,therefore,when scan is taken,any clusters of angry cells,show up like hot spots giving a 3D image of any new growth,anywhere in the body.
The consultant told me,there was no sign of new growth and he was delighted at my progress.
He wanted new X Rays today as a comparison,and wants to see me in 12 weeks,he told me he's pleased with my attitude and recovery rates and said he was not sure what I was doing but keep it up.

Its not only about my attitude and you all know it... its the love and prayers and thoughts received from you all on a regular basis of which I cannot thank you all enough.

My life has literally been in your hands,the hands you all held together in prayer,I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my damaged heart.

All I can do is continue the battle which we have all been part of,and keep our faith.
I still have my Oncologist appointment on May 22nd,I hope SHE is as pleased.

Tarra for now as I am having difficulty seeing the screen...love you all.
Paul
xx

May 1st 2009

Happy birthday to me.....Happy birthday to me.....

Well here we are...I find it so strange but so exciting....

Years ago,because I never had a birthday celebration,I decided to make my 40th a special day... but I worked as normal 14 hours,it came and went...no big deal... so I decided my 50th would be special with a celebration of reaching the milestone...It came and went,I worked the usual 14 hour day,it passed by again....so I decided,DEFINITELY my 60th would be a day to remember.

If you have been following this blog journey of mine,you will know that on my 60th,last year,the consultant told me I had 6 to 9 months left to live because of lung cancer.

So........having made my peace with God,and arranging my affairs,my friends needs etc and my funeral,I continued,with the help and support of my chosen few hand picked friends,and the medical team,I took on its fight for life.

I set myself little milestones in my mind,also being reminded almost daily by memories and things in the news or around me,that time was ticking and I needed to fight.

Little milestones such as,I wanted to kick Autumn leaves again.....to kick winter snow again.....to toast my turkey with a glass of malt ( a tradition of mine every Christmas) to give thanks for Christmas day.....to hear the bells ring in the New Year.....to visit one of the navy ships I helped prepare for retirement from the fleet.....to visit the garden of remembrance at Aberfan,where,as a young man,I was part of the volunteers that helped dig the school children from the disaster when the coal tip slid onto the school.....to see the clocks be put forwards to BST.....to worship extra at Easter time.....to see friends win their Tribunal cases as they had been treated so unfairly,to spend quality time again driving around,chatting and laughing,one to one,with my Scottish friend again ,to see my dear friends new house completed to see her happy face .....to get a birthday gift for my friends daughter as I am not sure if she really likes me or not,her birthday is the day before mine so if I did,I would only be a day away from MY special day.......to see a friend take a well earned holiday as she was scared to go last year in case I took a turn for the worse.....AND........to celebrate my birthday again.........

In between these major points,small things such as,will I see the new Skipton bus station complete and open,I also got a book of vouchers for a free daily paper for 6 weeks,would I use ALL the vouchers?,I have always wanted a really good telescope to view the heavens,and a guitar because I always wanted to see one on its stand in the corner as I missed all my youth of happy hippy,I wanted to visit the new Asda store when it opened at Keighley,and the new Super Tesco open in Skipton....and see the new beach area around the bridge at Giggleswick,where I feed the ducks....

Well...Autumn came early,so did winter snow,I had my Christmas dinner,I watched the television as the new year was welcomed in from HMS Belfast,a ship I put in mothballs for retirement,for its trip to Tower Bridge,I read ALL my daily papers not a voucher wasted,bought a high powered scope and realized how beautiful heaven is and which star will my soul inhabit,strummed my new acoustic guitar often,each time,returning it to its stands and smiling a smile of missed youth,I traveled the Skipton bus from the new excuse for a station lol,I watched a TV program where a secret millionaire visited Aberfan,whilst there,she visited the memorial gardens,I put all 13 clocks forwards an hour at BST,I worshiped extra for Easter in my church and gave extra thanks,I had wonderful weekend visits from dear friends,saw my friends new house very nearly completed,and had a lovely birthday meal out with friends after a lovely day out with friends in Leeds.......had a wonderful weekend with my Scottish friend,driving around Yorkshire Towns and the Lakes area,laughing and joking,one to one,it was brilliant,my friends daughter was delighted with her gift on her birthday and sent me a lovely text,and my other friend goes on her holiday tomorrow............and here I am,writing my birthday blog entry......

The journey continues.....thanks to you,my very special friends,god bless you all.

Paul......xx

............................Happy birthday to me.....Happy birthday to me.....Happy birthday dear meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee x


PS The new Asda superstore and the Tesco dont get finished till Autumn,so I have to keep fighting,and Giggleswick bridge is days from completion.

Crikey

Well..... these steroids... they make me insomniac,been awake since 3am,its 0451 and sat here with a cup of tea.
I must admit they also giving me 'bounce' friends say I am my old chatterbox self,not sure if its the unseasonal spring weather,the daylight increasing,or these pills...I feel positively manic at times....bordering on high lol.
Appetite is raging,its difficult stopping nibbling,as soon as I feel well enough,I want to be hiking to remove these 2 stones almost that I have put on this past 18months,its not me at all carrying a 'stomach',friends say it suits me,but I have kept toned all my life,why spoil it at 60.

Its nice starting a week with a diary clear of medical appointments,it wears your soul down,one appointment after another,another department,yet another professional to chat too,but as I said before,how wonderful we have these dedicated people,and how great the NHS...ok...we all knock it at times,but when something serious rears its ugly head,it all swings into place,for that I am eternally grateful,thank you everyone,and thank YOU all my friends for your unfaultering support,with the exception of the odd 'fair weather friend ' your support pulled me through.Its the same throughout life,thats why we have our little 'boxes' marked friends,marked acquaintances.
I bet I fall asleep on the bus later lol I have to go shopping to collect a Easter gift and a birthday card for a dear friend,I might get a get well soon as she is ill again.
Cheerio for now,love you all.

Pleased

Well then,

Went today to Dr Raashed clinic at Airedale,he had a couple of medical students,I dont mind them being there if it helps their education to cure people in the future.
He was pleased at the way it has gone,with results of bronchoscope,and scan pictures although he has reservations hes not 100% sure of,thats the impression I get.
He's recommending another PET scan to see if there are any positive cell clusters lurking elsewhere in my body,if so,then it will be chemotherapy.

I have just finished a course of anti biotic for a chest infection,so the PET will be arranged for 4 weeks,in the meantime,a course of steroids in preparation for 3 weeks.
As long as I dont start eating more or putting on weight,I had put on 3 pounds in the past 3 weeks.
Had a blood test today too,he wanted to check cancer markers this is why (dont forget to hold down Ctrl key (bottom left corner) before left clicking a link,or you will leave the page).


Its a case of the intense radiotherapy fried the lung... so its extremely difficult getting X-Ray pics through the fibrous tissue..(like an old leather bag) lol
Thats why he has to rely on bronchoscopes and pet scans

Thanks everyone for the support,fingers crossed.

Incidentally,he wants me to attend a cancer team meeting,to give my opinions,good OR bad on the treatments and practices I have encountered this past year,for some reason he says I am intelligent lol

Am awaiting letter of invitation and transport arranged for me too,in the educational suite on 30th March

Will let you all know...(I asked if tea and biccies (he laughed) lol wait till he gets my bill for consultancy services) hahahaha
Paul
xx

Disappointment

Well now,

As I said about my bronchoscope the other week,the consultant Dr Raashed told me,if they found cause for concern,they would ring me on the Friday to make appointment to the Monday clinic to discuss it.
I never got any calls or letters so we all thought GREAT....

Early today,patient transport arrived to take me to his clinic,I never knew anything about it,no calls,no letters,nothing...the driver couldn't wait as I wasn't ready,as I knew nothing at all about it.
I rang his secretary and the clinic to tell them,they said letter was sent on the 25th, the day after my bronchoscope, so it must be urgent!!!it must be lost in the post.
They are telling Dr Raashed and I hope he can arrange for NEXT Monday.....mean while,I am seeing my GP tomorrow,so maybe he can tell me any results.

More fingers crossed please

Dam,Dam...I was getting so pleased too
Paul
xx

Can YOU help???

PINK JULIE

Ok everyone,you all know me,if I see something worth while,then I shout about it.

I kept seeing this pink car around Craven,plastered in stickers,I read them a few times in Morrisons car park...poor lass I thought,I know what shes going through,so......whats it all about???........

Its about Julie and other sufferers and bone marrow and blood transfusions and fund raising and awareness and and and PHEW................ ok log onto her supporters website and see what YOU can do....go on....ya kna ya wanna!!!!

PINK JULIE

Also,while you are all doing nothing hahaha....log onto here and light a candle for friends.....

Light a candle dont forget search groups (top left) my group is P.A.T

Dont forget to hold down Ctrl (bottom left of keyboard) as you left click links,or you will get booted off the page....but ya knew that didn't ya???

Tarra
God bless
Paul
xx

Monday 16th Feb

Hello there,
Just back from seeing the consultant Dr.Raashed,nice chap,he was really pleased about the ultra sound last Thursday and no need for lymph node biopsy.

The scan pictures the week prior,looked,as I said to a few of you,quite blotchy,well,he said it was the lung that had really been radically fried,and therefore it was not possible to detect any tumour growth or not,so,to be on the safe side,he wants me in hospital for a bronchoscope (camera down,and samples) on 24th of this month.
Its the only way he can be sure whats going on.
He has meetings with my team on the Friday,and if the broncho is clear,he will see me in 3 months for more tests,if not,he will telephone me to attend the clinic to see him on the Monday.
So....fingers crossed again.
Cheers,thanks for all the good wishes
Paul
xx
love you all.

February 14th 2009

Happy Saint Valentines Day.... Love is all around you (dont forget to hold down Ctrl key (bottom left corner) before left clicking a link,or you will leave the page)

Just thought you might be interested that at 11am GMT today,it is 40 years since I left the Royal Navy....

Have a good day everyone.
Love
Paul
xx

Thursday 12th

Well my friends,today I had to go for my ultra sound and needle biopsy on my lymph nodes that arer swollen on my neck.
After a really good ultra sound reading,the radiographer said the lymph looks clear of any cancer or tumour mass of any description and all he can see is enlarged salaver glands.
We think that,when they did intense radiotherapy,it also fried some of my gullet as previously mentioned,causing nausia and sickness,although that is getting to be less of a problem lately.
Along with the nausia is an excess of salaver,so I think the glands have been over worked.
But thank the lord no spread of cancer cells,and thank YOU all too for your continued prayers,my life is in your hands,bless you all
Paul
xx

P.S. Appointment is through to see Dr Raashed on Monday coming at 1100am...will find out scan results.

Wasted journey?

Well...its Monday,I went all that way to see the consultant,he said hello,good morning,did you have your scan?,I said yes,and I have a biopsy on Thursday...which Thursday?,he said...THIS Thursday said I...OH!...ok....I better see you NEXT Monday,sorry for the confusion.


gggrrrrrrrrrrr

More fingers crossed please .............. as it stops nail biting lol
P
xx

Thursday's mail

Well....

As I said last week,Dr Raashed told me,if any abnormalities show up on the scans again,especially the lymph nodes on my neck which are swelling quite a lot,then he will order a biopsy.

Todays mail brought appointment for biopsies on Thursday 12th at 1130,(day before Friday the 13th) lol....good job I am not superstitious touch wood touch wood shakespeare,click fingers, hahaha

I expect he will tell me all about the scans on Monday when I see him next.......

More fingers crossed please...(bet you lot are getting fed up)
P
xx

Scan day

I needed to chat to my blog today,all my life,right from my abused childhood,I have put on a brave couldn't care less face...my shield against everything.

Today...I'm scared...I feel like running away but there is nowhere to run to,I know I should stay positive but I feel as if I am now on a conveyer belt, heading towards a crusher..... I hope today is not the start of the end.


Tarra....will let you all know as usual...sorry if I seem negative today....I even prayed but could not feel Gods presence,but thats daft cos hes always there for everyone.....sorry God x
P
love you all
xx

Afternoon edit............

Well I went for several scans,must wait now till February 9th for consultants results...fingers crossed.

About me feeling scared this morning,well.... I got to the hospital waiting room and picked up a very old magazine,expecting to read about the relief of Mafekin,I opened it to read wise words from Nelson Mandella.

quote "The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid,but he who conquers fear"unquote......

Today I felt a brave man......thank you God...

Twenty second

Bit scared today.... I was not feeling too bad after yesterday when I had a really bad turn in the shower,similar to the one I had in July last year when my lung reinflated.
Not sure if same happened yesterday but my breathing felt a little better and was easier to cough debris up (yuk...sorry)
Wasn't feeling too bad this morning,walking to papershop I coughed gently,knew I had cleared debri and found a drain in the gutter to discreetly get rid..(you would be suprised how many tissues I buy).....there was bright red clot of blood,it scared me,I was dreading a day when that happened when I had not been straining myself to cause blood vessels to rupture.... I'm praying its not another step closer in this terrible disease and that its only a little 'show'.....fingers crossed.

Sorry to post but I'm a bit scared and needed to get it off my chest (no pun intended).
Take care everyone
Loves you all................................

Publish Post

Monday 19th January,New year,2009

Hello everyone,
Oh well...first visit to the chest consultant this year was today,I had to tell him about pains in my back and neck,breathlessness returning,both arms pins and needles,pain in ribs and chest and feeling bruised on the side of neck similar to tonsilitis.
I had new chest X rays due which were taken,they showed lots more clouding which Mr Raashed was not to happy with.
He told me the radical intense radio therapy last year we all knew about the collateral damage it would do,my gullet is still causing me nausea,and so the clouding he said,lots were scaring and fibrosis hardening through RT,but he didn't really like the look or the amount of it in conjunction with the other returning symptoms.
I could tell by his attitude also...last year it was " we will give you intense radiotherapy to kill it,keep your faith"...today was " well,surgery would have helped a lot more,but you were too weak to have it,plus there was heart damage to a valve,plus a tumour growing parallel to the main artery...so we had to do RT,which we all knew was only 40% chance of success". HUH !

Anyway...he arranged a CT scan in the next 2 weeks if I wanted it,plus he examined my neck telling me there was swollen lymph glands,which he wasn't happy with and asked if he could arrange a needle biopsy at same time as the scan,I agreed of course.
He said,he will see me in 3 weeks,and see the results of CT/biopsy,and then arrange for me to be admitted again overnight for a bronchoscope again,same as I had before,the one which produced the picture of the tumour sat in my left bronchii which is on this blog earlier.

Well my friends,thanks so much for all your thoughts,cards and prayers,they really do mean so much,please dont think I am letting you down...I really really am trying and eating healthily etc...fingers crossed.

I have,since last year,kept mental stepping stones,to aim for in this dangerous river I find myself trying to navigate.
I wanted to kick Autumn leaves again...kick snow again...toast my Christmas day turkey with a small malt....see the new year in.... see the first black president sworn into office...ok so far..... I'm starting to get to a point of,thank you God I awoke this morning...I suppose we all get like this at times.

Its lovely knowing you are all there for me.....tarra for now........... Dont cry for me Argentina....