Time marches on.....forever friends.........

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging backside. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my father!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my interesting life that shaped me into the person I became, my family for less grey hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra biscuit, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly terracotta ornament that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's, and, if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in swimming trunks that are stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set and the young and fit. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning grey or 'salt N pepper', and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silvery.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer any questions, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall indulge myself every single day.
(If I feel like it)For as long as I can.

MAY YOUR FRIENDSHIPS NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

FRIENDS FOREVER ARE IMPORTANT..........Thank you for being my friends x

Doctors follow on from yesterday October 30th

Well.....

My GP asked if I minded 2 young medical students sitting in on my update,of course I didn't,but he never brought out the tea and biccies...

I brought him upto date as he asked,he listened to my chest,satisfactory considering he said,the students listened,and nodded...I never had the heart to tell them that they had their stethoscopes plugged in wrong end lol hahahaha.....
Anyways,he had the reports that my chest chappy had on Monday,and was pleased no sign of a stroke on the brain scan...I was only too pleased they found a brain!!!! gulp...............

I asked about some of my medication...he answered that he can change one of my stomach mixes to ease the nausea,my heart pills he can increase the strengthener but not the blood thinner as it would cause risk to BP dropping low....I have to have a blood test next week,to ensure no kidney damage so far from my heart pills,then see him a week after that,to determine if I can increase the pills.

He explained about the close watch on my tumour and remaining lung part,and told me he is there anytime day or night....so is my macmillan team.

I asked why no scan report about the tumour around my main artery,he was baffled too,so he's contacting the radiographer to get report.
I asked if they now planned to fix my damaged heart valve....for the first time he looked disappointedly solemn....no Paul sorry....its too much of a risk to you....I could only guess from his twisted lip expression,and twiddles with his pen,that he might agree with what the Oncology centre surgeon said...that it would be the tumour around my artery that would get me......we can only wait and see and carry on with prayers and good thoughts...

Thats all again for now...you are all updated......cheerio for now..take care

Loves you all
Paul
xx

Mondays chest clinic October 27th

Hello everyone,

I know I have not posted anything since my radio therapy finished,but as I said,I had to wait till they thought it had finished working and then they could start assessing the results.

I saw my Oncologist about 5 weeks ago,she arranged more scans,including my brain,to see if it was my spondilosis causing my 'numb' feelings left hand,or brain....I had several MRI scans 3 weeks ago.

Today I saw my chest physician Dr Rasheed,well,actually his under study,but as I have been really upset stomach and sick all morning,I never got much info from him,as I had my head in his wash basin most of the visit lol.

Apparently,more chest X Rays today,confirm,with scans,that the tumour has not been killed off,but he says its encouraging as its reduced in size by almost half,when you consider that,in April,the measurements of the one in my left bronchii was the size of a cap off a aerosol can,YES,THAT BIG lol.....its a good sign.

He tells me,there was no results on his computer about the tumour around my artery,although I had radio therapy,which left me nauseous almost daily or several times a day due to the collateral damage it caused to my gullet.

There is a 'team ' meeting this Friday,to discuss my case,and recommended treatments/actions,and a letter will be sent to my GP,I am now returned to care of GP and Macmillan team from our surgery,although a helpline is still there 24/7 for me.

I see my GP on Thursday,as he wants a 6months update,hope he brings out tea and biccies...you all know what a good story I can relay once I start......

HEY!!!!!

Thanks to you all for being there with prayers and support even though you have all had personal issues to overcome...... bless you all...

Will post again when its neccesary,if anything ermmm unwanted happens,arrangements have been made with someone to post a final message on here for all my fan club hahahahaha

Tarra X

Tuesdays last visit this session.....

Well my friends,today was my last zap,it will keep on working for a few months now internally,some side effects will wear off in a few weeks,some a few months,some are permanent such as shortage of breath because an area of the lung had to be 'fried' to destruction.

A few weeks ago,when the team leader allowed me a few pictures of the restricted treatment area,I told him it was for a blog site,not only for my friends to keep informed,but also for people to see what the treatment etc is to be expected and take away the fear and mystery,as a result,he suggested a few pics of the final zap,that friends could concentrate their thoughts,prayers and healing vibes on rather then their imagination.
I wasn't sure as I thought it would make my site seem more of me me me,but after asking a few of you,you almost demanded that course of action...I told team leader Paul,and he agreed 3 pics of my last zap session today,within safety restrictions of the treatment area,so here they are.

Any questions,write them on the back of a five pounds note and send them to Macmillan Cancer Support, FREEPOST LON 16080, London, SE1 7BR.

I wish to publicly thank,all the staff of the hospital and in particular everyone on suite LA10,bless you all.

Thank you all for sharing my journey,without you all,there might not have been a full stop to this blog

. (full stop)

Friday....thank goodness

I thought they were going to cancel the zap this morning,I was ok till the 2 hours bumpy ride to Leeds,when I got there I was sick,coughing bad,bringing up lots debri and dried blood,and was quite painful,anyway,few drinks of water,few good coughs,a back massage and I was fit enough to lie on the machine....thank goodness.

Back home now looking forwards to a long weekend,no journeys,no zapping,hurrah....its getting quite an ordeal,and it hurts to swallow as my gullet is getting stray zapping as they shoot the tumour wrapped around my main artery,but....if its trying to cure me,why should I complain.
Have a lovely weekend my friends,enjoy and take care of yourselves.

xPx

Thursday clinic day....my **oncologist**

Hello....it was zap and clinic today,my oncologist is pleased with the progress and says that its now just a case of scanning me regularly and looking for any new growth starting.

She said that after Tuesdays last zap,it will remain working and burning away for 2 - 3 months inside,causing side effects up to a year ahead,some effects such as shortage of breath will be permanent,as they have 'fried' the offending area,it will only show up on a scan now as a heavily scarred area,so.... I asked how I will know if its cured,she says,with regular monitoring and scanning,they can see the damaged lung,if they see a change,it will be the cancer regrowing,and as they cannot zap the same area again,it will be so heavily scarred that it will be a slow growing tumour and therefore give me another 18months to 2 years before it becomes as dangerous as it was last month.

Its all a case of fingers crossed,and keep up our prayers....but please...Im not selfish,I'm grateful for all your prayers and if you need to concentrate your prayers on yourselves or another worthy soul,please do so......I cant keep taking all your energies.....I'm thankful to be carried this far.....bless you all... I really really mean that......
Paul
xx

** In case you wonder its from the Greek onkos (ογκος), meaning bulk, mass, or tumor

Its Tuesday........22nd

Hello everyone.....I stand there at the hospital reception every day,people watching....there is so much sadness around,poor children ill,not yet had a full life,and teenagers and middle aged,not yet had many experiences,lots of elderly,maybe living alone,in pain....so much sadness......

Anyway...... I feel fortunate to have my friends here,supporting me.....so.... as there seems not a lot to report on my blog about me me me... I wrote a little poem,about all the lonely people,why not???,J.Lennon wrote Eleanor Rigsby........


IMAGINE

Imagine all the raindrops,pitter patter from the sky,
Imagine every one of thems a question asking why,
Imagine all the thoughts you have,when 'er you look around,
Imagine how others feel,when illness they have found,
Imagine all that suffering,imagine all that pain,
Imagine all the prayers they ask,to be well again,
Imagine how the parents feel,of children taken ill,
Imagine that they ask in prayer,if it really is Gods will,
Imagine what this would be like,facing this alone,
Imagine sharing not with friends,on internet or phone,
Imagine keeping this inside,imagine no ones care,
I cant imagine that at all,I love you all,so there.

xPx

Friday.....

Weekend again...thank goodness for a weekend break./....

Felt really good today,slept wonderfully last night,I think the Morphine helped.When I was climbing off the table after todays treatment,I said,ouch,I think I been laid awkwards...no they said,your radiation burns on your back are getting redder,well... seeing as I cant see for myself,I guess I have to believe them...fancy getting sunburn,with the weather as its been this year haha.

Enjoy your weekends....stay safe...stay positive...
Paul
xx

Thursday.........oh boy...

Long day today,just sat down with my first cuppa since 10 this morn.
The Royal Visit caused chaos galore,patients trapped between floors due to lifts being locked to aid security,I got there ontime for my treatment,dashed through it,and my clinic,only to wander aimlessly,trying to find a way back to transport reception,amongst 100's suits,police,plain clothes and nursing sisters in uniform,I have never seen so many blue and whites,in fact,never knew so many where working in Leeds.

I finally got home at 1845,grabbed a chinese special rice,and added it to a bit of frying steak,onions and mushrooms,I cooked the other night in case lol

My clinic went very well,shes delighted that the left lung is now almost fully inflated again,and agrees that it appears the tumour is losing its grip,she was suprised at the response in so short a session,but I told her I wasnt....if she only knew the crystals,prayers,reiki,angel wings,cards etc etc etc,,,,,,the power of prayer and faith,and for that I thank you all....with tears filling up...thank you.
Shes prescribed morphine for the painful coughing,so few more weeks of your prayers please,till we beat it

tarra

x

Wednesday.............................

Well hurrah.... they had to rescan,the machine was going frantic around me like a crazed, ballet breakdancing robot,apparently,my lung has inflated further to what it did Monday,my breathings improving,they are quite suprised and pleased,I asked if they thought the tumour was releasing its deadly grip,they said,too early to tell....but could be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gimme some of that lol.

Ok....tomorrow is the Royal visit...they like my poems,do the team,so I wrote one about Princess Anne's visit,I hope you all like it,cos they did lol.


Take care....luffs ya lots...x

ROYAL VISIT

Shall we WAVE a flag and say HOW DO,to our Royal Prinny Anne,
When she walks around with hundreds, with her long face ,like she can,
Will she see the SADNESS ,of the patients lives, BOO HOO,
Or just an orchestrated line, of red of white of blue,
Will they show me topless on accelerater, ten,
Fire lines of lime green lasers, let her say the countdown WHEN,
I hope she aint embarrassed if she sees my nipples three,
Or they cure me of cancer then off to Tower me...

xPx

Tuesday update............................

Well my friends,today I was able to have a good zap...they started the day scanning me to see if anything from yesterday had worsened,but they were happy to say,the upper lobe had inflated further,so it gave them an even better shot at the tumour.
And although still coughing a lot,no more signs of fresh blood,only dried blood among the debris,so it seems,the large amounts I choked on yesterday scratched/strained a little blood vessel,and dramatic froth appeared,I realized it would be ok when I got through the day and hadn't drown in blood lol.

So all put your mourning clothes and hats away...they not needed hahahaha
(all except you old shawl wearers,your excused,as long as you put your knitting down clik clak...(dont set me off again) lol)

The radiographer says,the dose is quite intense,so they expect side effects maybe,to show themselves from now,till the next few years,I have to watch and tell them IF....

Tarra...off for a haircut to thugs'R'us...............

Disappointful day.....

Well my friends,I'm just home at 5 after being out since 0810....not such a good day I'm afraid.
It started at 3am,I awoke feeling a bit rough and tried napping till time to get up at 6,made a cuppa,still felt awful,so thought a nice shower with the steam in its cubicle would help as it sometimes does....oh no..... I started coughing violently,fighting for breath,coughing debris gallore,in between struggling to breath,and I mean debris.....,some was the size of half a sugar cube and almost as hard,it was scarey trying to carry on breathing.
I opened the cubicle door,gasping at fresher air to the steam,still coughing violently,and was scared to see coughing up bright red blood....it looked dramatic on the white shower base....still fighting for breath,almost on my knees,I opened the bathroom door to let more cooler air in...I was really gasping,hanging onto the loo seat,and fighting to suck air...

In the end,I went,still dripping,onto my oxygen,it took 15 minutes to calm,but still coughing debris.

I told the ambulance staff when they collected me to take to my treatment,they monitored me till I got to Leeds,then escorted me to my treatment room.
I told them,and they did a quick table scan,within minutes,they stopped the machine and removed me from the area.

Apparently,last month,the tumour had collapsed the upper lobe of my left lung,and they were zapping THAT image,now,it seems,the lobe has inflated,with it came months of debris and strained blood vessels.
They cancelled todays zap as too dangerous,and sent me for a full in depth body scan,so tomorrow,the team can realign the zapper and lasers to the inflated tumoured lobe,and get direct shots at it,which means,an extra day added to my treatment plan.

It will be a long day again tomorrow,as they set laser markers etc again,and start a new plan.

Apart from that.... it was an ordinary day.....

Take care,dont worry...I'm in excellent hands

Paul xx

The Princess Royal Suite

The Princess Royals visit to open Bexley Wing

Ok,if you need excitement and interest,the Princess Royal,The Princess Anne,will officially open the new Oncology Centre at St James Teaching Hospital on Thursday the 17th July,in the afternoon,there obviously is some flag waving and because we are a democracy of free speech,a few mumbles.....not that I have heard any you understand lol.

I only hope that if she visits MY machine whilst I am on it,they will cover my nipples (all three of them) lololll I would hate to offend and be cured of cancer,only to be sent to the Tower hahahaha.

If you want more news about the centre and Her Royal Highness see this link clik

See you laters....off to knit flags....

clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak

are my balls getting smaller?

clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak clik clak

Can someone give me a hank as my hands are full.............


Tarra
P
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.......................................................X

Thank Flip its Friday,,,,,,,,,,lol

OK........ weekend to recouperate,thank goodness,I really need it too....if you are having treatment,you know what I mean.This bruising internally chest is now in my back too.

Well... I think maybe (fingers crossed,touch wood)its starting to work,the reason I say that is,when they first diagnosed cancer,I thought...'nooo' they mixed my notes up etc,,,,so I did research online,symptoms etc...I found all my symptoms and some I never dreamt possible,one was finger ends/nails changing.
Apparently,your nails and hair is the only part of the anatomy growing constantly,they say,the first week after death its still grown some.
The nails,so I read,go a kind of blue haze,dependant on part of lung etc,ridges grow on them,some look as if they are nail varnished,some split,become brittle all the time,and the finger ends nail angle shape changes,its called club finger.Read here link

I had it a few months ago,it seemed to settle a bit,now,left hand is starting again,blue streaks,ridges,end of nail angles to finger end roundedness,so obviously,as a learned layman,I detect that a major change is taking place in my left lung,(where the main tumour is).

So hopefully,with the internal bruising I feel,now these and the breathless again,I hope its starting to destroy the cancer.

Fingers crossed everyone...AGAIN........love you all.......I really do......

Thursday night.........

Phew..... bit tired,still bruised..... its to be expected..

The consultant today at my clinic after zap,told me it all seems to be going along well...shes happy she says,and I look like I'm managing the extra strains.

Also the brain scan taken last Tuesday because of left arm/hands numb,tingles...I told her Im sure its muscular on account of the grotesque deformity my body is held at,to get the zapper shot..

She agreed as the bran scan shows nothing,no marks,swollen blood vessels,no signs of stroke..

Shes doing another one in two weeks,with a full body nuclear scan,and my neck as well,as the course session finishes,
Apparently,sessions end July 28th,but the radiation continues working internally for 4-6 weeks.

Ok....thats my update,so no more worries OK

Take care of each other for me...you are all important

.......x

It's Wednesday,midweek.....hurrah

Well.....,
I was feeling a little sore in the chest area and wanted a bit of advice,I had been looking for this sunburn effect,they told me to expect,the reason this high factor moisure cream is applied after each session,but couldn't detect any,untill I took my top off in the dressing room prior to going into my machine area,the cold light in there showed up a largish area of fine veins/blood vessels,brought to the surface mid chest area,its not sore,but it feels bruised internally.

I mentioned it (as I'm told too,not cos I'm a wimp),its ok,thats the exact area we are zapping you...well...she said treating,but you know what these college educated are like hahahaha,

Anyway,it feels really bruised inside,and the seat belt of the transport home nipped a bit,I put my left hand tween belt and my shoulder to lift it away ....

Its only to be expected.

Tomorrow is zap and clinic,so I hope for more news to tell......tarra................ luffs ya all x

Hello my friends....

Just a quick update,I am starting to feel a bit washed out,bashed about,they say its normal,I was glad of the weekend rest away from daily 5 hours travelling and getting Zapped midway through the day.

I never really did much over the weekend,as I was too listless,I even paid the local shop prices rather then go through to Skipton for good supermarket bargains.
They tell you to report everything,so I reported a numbness of fingers left hand and sort of pins and needles left arm,she brought the Oncologist to see me yesterday,who arranged a brain scan to be on the safe side,I will get results Thursday afternoon at her clinic.
I also had a updated scan today,results Thursday as well.

The big boss Radiographer when I asked if brain scan was ok,said he wasnt a Doctor
I said yes,,,,but you tell doctors results lol

He told me,there was nothing major that jumped out significantly from the brain scan.

I said cheers...good lad...(at my age I can call them ALL,good lad.

It just proves how 'on the ball' my team is,mention a prob,next day scan.

Dont ever call the NHS to me...its as old as me,well Im a few months older,,,Cheers Naieve Bevin...Im glad you left the coal pits...

Thanks everyone for your support,its important...x

Radiotherapy..... A poem

A few pictures of my treatment room and Linear Accelerator machine,they allowed me a few pics,if you look closely,you might see a few of the green lasers used for lining up the machine,they lock on to the little green dots(lights) on the machine that enable the computers to control the machine as it slowly moves in silent powerful dance around my body,in a graceful,curing ballet.
When the machine is switched on,and I am the only one in the unprotected part of the room,lasers are criss crossing everywhere from ceilings walls and floors....

RADIOTHERAPY

The donut ,of surgical steel,how your probing eye sees why I feel,
Taking pictures of the hidden depths,with accuracy of vapoured breaths,
Finding clusters,stains and strife,alerting them to save my life,
I lie and watch your ballet dance,around my body's,wondered trance,
And now I lay,in laser lines,as space age knowledge re defines,
The way my body ought to be,evicts the alien from me,
I lie there still,as measured dots,as lines are drawn between what nots,
Looking up at lime green lasers,of accuracy like star wars phasers,
And millimeters marked they said,the numbers resting in my head,
Head and shoulders,in a groove,in silence promise not to move,
I switch my thoughts from pain and sorrow till I hear them......see you Paul ....tomorrow.

xPx

Leeds Cancer Centre

THE St JAMES INSTITUTE
Of ONCOLOGY LEEDS

Well today I started my intense radiotherapy at the Bexley wing of St James teaching hospital Leeds...it is only about a third built and its already created its own landscaped village,and when finished,it will be the premier cancer centre of Europe.

The few photographs that some of you have asked for,do NOT really give it justice,everywhere you walk,look,sit, is astounding, awesome,eyecatching,and soothing and calm,there are even internet cafe,restaurants of differing cultures,aromatherapist,acapuncturists and spiritual healing rooms as alternate therapy.
There are comfy arm chairs, designer sofas,bean bags even,in spacious waiting rooms with bright windows leading onto designer landscaped gardens and patios,there are free iced water machines,and there are reasonably priced vending machines catering for your every wish.
There are cafés,restaurants,coffee bars,brunch bars,banking facilities,its all an absolute dream of NHS in action.

I will add more pics as I go along,as I never took my memory card so was limited to the first 14 pics of the approach.
To see this place is to believe,and I ,like thousands of others,believe that cancer,caught early enough,is now curable more and more,for that we thank God.

My one wish....you never get to visit it ............................

Treatment day......

If I said I wasn't worried,would I lie?,
How my mind my heart my soul has waited, for this first day of July,
Will invisible rays of healing make me well?,
Or just another ticket to the door marked Heaven/Hell,
Think positive I shouted with my silent fears last night,
As I laid in lonely darkness,and hugged myself in fright,
I know my friends are praying,and all got fingers crossed,
So I must be very strong,or their hard work will be lost,
Please forgive my brief encounter with this questioning of why,
But why should it be only girls and little boys who cry?.

xPx

Friends

Dear God...I know you're watching over me,and I'm feeling truly blessed,
For no matter what I pray for,you always know what's best!,
I have this circle of hand picked friends,who mean so much to me,
Some days I 'send' and 'send' them text,at other times, I let them be,
I am so blessed to have these friends,with whom I've grown so close,
So this little poem I dedicate to them,because to me they are the Most,
When I see each name download,and view the message they have sent,
I know they've thought of me that day,and 'well wished' their intent,
So to you, my friends, I would like to say,thank you for being a part,
Of all my daily contacts,this comes right from my heart,
God bless you, is my prayer today,I'm honoured to call you 'friend',
I pray that God will keep us safe,until we txt again.

xPx

Veterans Day

Well today I feel bit down,I had planned to attend UK's first Veterans Day,and ,although I received my medal early in the year,I was looking forwards to going to Blackpool,as my friends know,I go to Blackpool often.
I was really looking forwards to seeing all the events planned and yes,was looking forwards to marching with my old comrades... unfortunately,Im not up to it,and all though I suppose there will be lots and lots in a worse position then me,I also have been told to rest up before my intense radiotherapy next week for the whole of July,also I have a medical appointment arranged by my solicitor, in connection with my past employment with asbestos.

Also,my GP rang yesterday to say,the blood test he had done last Tuesday,to see if the new heart pills are affecting my kidneys,shows they are,so I have to have another on Monday,if its still bad,I really dont know what they plan,I hope they dont take me off the heart pills,they made me feel so much better,before them,I was just an invalid,sleeping most of the time,or sat with my oxygen mask on....we will see,fingers crossed again.

So.... any ex UK forces out there,I salute you,brother in arms.Any OTHER world forces,I salute YOU too,god bless you all...amen

Happy Birthday

Do you know its Paddington Bears 50th birthday today.... I think hes the original 'hoody' he has a website too,just to lighten up this blog.... have a nice day,going for my marmalade sandwich see thee.......x

Stop worrying please lol

You really are a special lot,to worry as you do,
If you dont see updates on this blog you go boo hoo,
Please dont worry,Im ok,Im same as you,with a bad/good day,
I just decided,not to bore,you have YOUR lives,I know the score,
I decided just to put main things,you know,the kind that makes phone rings,
You really dont need daily drivel,you have your own pains too,
If worried,then just contact me,I will reply to you.

Loves you all
xPx

Wednesday June 18th

Well hello,
Its Wednesday,the day of the race has arrived at last and I am feeling a little apprehensive,the thoughts of the unknown,people to meet on my new treatment team,new machines to understand,new hopes of a cure....lets hope my prayers and the very many from my friends are answered.
Not sure if treatment starts today,or if,as I suspect,its the intoduction day as in the information given to me by Dr Henry's staff last Friday,and in my brief letter from Leeds,or as this brilliantly informative site tells...in case you have not yet visited it,heres the link again Click on external beam.

Well I have to say that the new heart pills are fantastic,I feel like a new man (where can I get one at this time of day...[Dick Emery voice]you are awful....but I like you )hahaha.Incase you are wondering they are Irbesarten and Clopidogrel... strange sounding names I agree but for the technically minded,they strengthen my heart,thin my blood,reduce my BP,and boy,do I feel so much better,the fluids are gone from my calves,ankles and feet,I can wear normal shoes,and my feet look their normal boney sinewy selfs after months of looking like swollen cushions lol,also the fluid seems gone from my lungs which means I can feel the starts of my cancer pains,but at least I am feeling alive,not sleeping exhausted or sat in my chair with my oxygen mask bringing me relief for hours on end.

Bless all scientists who struggle through University and colleges to learn enough to discover these new drugs,bless also,the parents of the students who struggle to support their childrens learnings,here is my public thank you,here too is a public thank you to my GP Doctor Ashley Davies of Settle Health Centre,what a bloody brilliant GP...thank you sir....

Right...I've bored you all enough,time for a cuppa,watch the news,shower then await hospital transport to Leeds...cheerio everyone,may your own Gods go with you
xPx

Met my Oncologist

Well,its Friday 13th,today I met my Oncologist today (specialist in tumours and cell mass),very clever lady,very informative,told me all that was planned,and that it takes time to set it all up as they intend to try intense radiotherapy as soon as its all in place.

It involves lots of technicians/doctors,nurses etc,and lasts 4 weeks,consisting of ray bombardment of the tumour on 5 consecutive days,2 days to rest to allow nearby 'good' cells chance to recover,for 4 weeks.
The treatment she hopes will be a success,and the win rate is 40%,the remainder,the tumour is stunted and shrunk,still a threat,but allowing more time in life then is at present predicted without treatment,which in my case,in April,was 6-9 months,so anything is a bonus.
She described all its ins and outs and merits and shortcomings,most are on this site for you to look through for information,there are links to all your questions on the left,interesting reading.

My friends will have realized by now,this blog is not about Me Me Me..its here for everyone who has the illness,or their friends,families,Im hoping,through my experiences,to shed lights on gloomy areas.

Heres the link Radiotherapy link click here

When I got home from Airedale,I expected a 2 week wait to set it all up as she described,which worried me into thinking "another month and my clocks ticking away" but when I arrived home,an appointment was waiting to get measured up on Wednesday...she is bringing in a Cardiologist as shes still very concerned over my weakened heart,so am I,so is my GP,who rang me later in the afternoon,to say he had sent a prescription to the chemists for new heart pills,please God they work.

Will keep you all posted,bless you all,you are all very important to me,even the strangers who E Mail me,thank you and bless you too

Paul
xx

I feel a poem coming on

How I feel

Am I yesterdays hero?,was Gene Pitney right?,
Do I cry my lonely days or cry my lonely night?,
I cared for people all my life,
To God, its plain to see,
And now a possible end draws near,
Selected, cares for me,
Do I want to see their hurt,their sadness and their tears?,
When I walk alone that path,that erases all my years,
Memories,I take with me,but lots and lots are bad,
But the good ones ,make up for the rest,with goodly times I've had,
So much I wanted,with my life,so much still to do,
If you are part of my muchness,then I am part of you.

xPaulx

Monday June 9th Update

Hello people,

Today I had to visit my chest consultant,first time since the surgical disappointment,he was very disappointed for me,but,after listening to my chest etc,he said another course of action can be tried.
Not as successful as surgery,and my heart probs now restrict chemotherapy chemicals,so radiotherapy is next attempt.
I'm to see a Doctor Henry,a lady oncologist,on Friday,and she is to investigate the probability of starting intense radiotherapy.

Using my pet scans,and a computer they are able to guide the sight exactly where they want to administer treatment waves,to attempt kill off or dramatically reduce the tumour,if not to cure,then at least prolong my life expectancy...I'm, all for that.

It will be a daily blast of waves,for 1 month,hoping to do its expected job,if not,a small rest up,and do some more.
Then,just monitor tumour and if it gets cheeky again,blast it....there you have it...we have the technology...we can rebuild him...by the time they finish...will I be worth 6 million dollars,or just a funfair side show,with an illuminous willie.....if you visit,pays yer dollar,and wear shades hahahahaha

See thee

Just a passing remark

Im so over whelmed by all my friends thoughts and words and acts of kindness,after a lifetime of aloneness,its taken me this far to realize.
My church decorated the little prayer corner last Thursday knowing I would visit before Friday,they also arranged my rosary on the altar cross,they said prayers Friday for me,maybe the prayers were answered in a right decision being reached
One recently made friend has searched extensively for a certain plant seed,despite being ill,shes found one she wants to have me scatter on the little flower border behind my bench.
It flowers early May,and that of course is my birthday,the seeds are myasotis...otherwise known as Forget me nots.
There are far to many kindnesses to mention here,besides,its difficult typing when I cant see the keyboard cos my glasses are acting like dams for my tear ducts.
I guess its like most of you say,its only being such a nice guy that leaves a good impression,what goes around,comes around,I can only say I tried,and thank you so much.

A quote recently told....
" to be born a gentleman,is an accident.... to die a gentleman is an achievement".....at last....... I will have achieved something.........

Home from 'Jimmies'

Well my friends,
Just got home from Jimmies (Leeds University Teaching hospital),my surgery was pencilled in for 830am,then...after tests yesterday,Mr Milton (the boss)was not happy with the results.
The heart echo sounder ( Ultra sound) detected a heart fault,they suspect at some time I have had a 'silent' heart attack,or 28 years of high blood pressure has caused a valve fault.... Theboss (Mr Milton) sought a strong set of second opinions from my team,even though,two weeks ago,he told me,one negative and I fail...he so wanted to help me.

He called the anaesthetist in to see me early today,and re pencilled in my operation as last on the list,so they could prepare for the worse (ie messing about unhurried).

They said it was looking more and more risky for me,and that they could take me to theatre,and without cutting,could simulate my body conditions as if in surgery,to measure risks,they could also,use the cardiologist from my team,to put maximum strain on my heart,to see its 'breaking' point under controlled conditions,They could also keyhole cut and simulate a lung removal with its associated stresses,but once opened up,no going back,the tumour is growing too near my heart and dont give enough ' clearance' as the boss says.

Anyway....Mr Brown the anaesthetist called at 630 am to chat....he took all the risks,and problems into account,and decided in favour of the rest of the teams decision.that they dont want to create a 'ghost' of a man,sat in a chair,with a oxygen mask,looking out of the window,at the hills he once climbed...(I said neither do I )...the chances were that following the operation,very shortly afterwards could be a respitory failure in the only half remaining of my right lung.
To that purpose,they all refused to risk the operation...they are writing my notes up with a recommendation for chemo and/or radiology....I agreed with them....Im a proud person as those of you who are close enough know and hate the thought of losing my independence and dignity.

So...the saga continues....I will keep you all updated

PS... on another ps,,, my correct oxygen machine was delivered Thursday by Kevin (Air Products UK Ltd) it works a treat,and its running costs are credited each quarter to my power account with EON.
A few of you asked me what a concentrator is so here is a link and you will see it http://www.airproducts.com/medical/UK/homecare/homecare3.html

Thanks everyone for the prayers/thoughts and support...you might not think they worked...but maybe,they helped a correct decision to be made and my life extended even by a few months...Thanks guys...your the bloody best.....

Saturday May 24th update

Well my friends,
I had my oxygen cylinder delivered this week,but due to a misunderstanding,they brought a cylinder (bottle) instead of a concentrator
A concentrator is similar to a small de humidifier,it takes atmosphere,scrubs it,removes C02 and creates oxygen,as and when needed.
They re-ordered and it should arrive this week,the company who do all the air work for the NHS are Air Products UK Ltd,their staff are all vetted and seem quite caring as well as efficient.So 10/10 to them,well done Kevin.

A few friends and aquaintances have asked if there is a video anywhere of the surgical procedure they are planning,well.... I have found a medical instructional video for the not so squeamish,the link is on todays update.
Its called a left Pneumonectomy,as I had a right upper lobectomy in 1980,which in those days was much more brutal lol.

Ok.... heres the link,I will update before the week ends Im sure,thanks again all of you for the cards,crystals,angels,angel feathers and the txt and telephone support,its been a god send,I love you all

http://anatomy.med.umich.edu/surgical_videos/pneumonectomy.html

ps if you click on the link,it will take you out of the blog,you will need to back arrow to return to the blog if you have not finished getting bored by me hahaha
Paul
xx

Wednesday 14th May 2008 update

Well my friends,
The dedication plate was delivered today,and,as a few of you wanted to see it,here is what it looks like.
Hope its a long time before its fixed to the railway station bench.

You can see the reflection of the old style gas lamp on one picture,above the bench,the other picture shows it being held in place on the back rest of the bench,I am reassured that the finger prints on the brass will be polished off when fitted hahaha.

Friday May 9th update

Hello everyone,
Just having a cup of tea,1730 and been out since 0755 this morning,I went to see the Chest surgeon Mr Milton.

What a nice guy,put me right at ease...he explained he was not prepared to take the risk on me having a poor quality of life if he removed the left lung,it would mean only half a lung supporting me.
He agreed I look fit enough to operate on,and that I looked after myself with a healthy life,so...he wanted lots of tests done,he knows I had them all done at another hospital,but he has confidence in his own team,own equipment,own interpretations of readings,so I went through 9 tests in 5 departments.

He told me,in a few weeks time,he wants me to do them all again,and...if hes happy,and his team are happy,hes going to try to remove the left lung and 'nip' off the artery....if I agree.


He said surgery today is not as barbaric as what I had on my right lung in 1980,and apart from that...hes a better surgeon then the late K.K.Nair who performed my right thoracic,with lots of post op problems such as drain pipes ripped on on stretcher hook ups,inserting another drain only to find it was a catheter and they should have not even BEEN on a thoracic ward,,,, still it was fun at the time watching a student nurse faint onto the foot of my bed and be carried out in the fresh air.

I have so many stories....if only you all knew.

Anyway....for obvious reasons,I am not going to state the dates on here of possible surgery,or the hospital I will be admitted to...suffice that my very close friends know in person not from reading my blog.

I feel more positive...thank you all for the thoughts,emails,angel feathers,angels,crystals,cards etc etc etc,,,it warms me so much and I love you all..........................


I also asked my surgeon...did you choose surgery cos you wanted to heal people,or for the money....he said theres no money in thoracic surgery....he got hooked as a lad watching Quincy on telly....but decided it would be nicer operating on living people not forensic cadavers....I said thats all I wanted to know.......he said dont fret...Im going to save your life.....I smiled...shook his hand and said.....see thee......

Mayday Bank holiday,the bench and some of its views

Well..... its been not too bad a few days,some nights I slept,some nights I never....but the goodness I feel from my friends contacting me is the best I have ever felt in my life....I thank you all from the very depths of my heart.
I have been thinking this past few days,of an idea I had a while ago,long before this health problem started.
I was hiking up on the old highway,top of Constitution Hill,very steep climb,and in a short space of time,you are leaning on a dry stone wall,looking down over Settle,my church,and the beautiful countryside,with the Lake district hills in the distance.

I remember saying,if I die,I would like a bench up here along with a few others who had had the same idea.

Well.... now all this health scare started,I decided to find out more,and e mailed Settle Town Clerk,the replies pointed out facts of council liability,insurance,specifications this that and the other,and a sum in the region of £1600 or there abouts....I only wanted a dedication plaque or something.
Then...on Saturday,awaiting a train,as usual,sat on my usual bench on Settles beautiful village Station,it suddenly occured to me,some benches had dedication plaques on them!!!!!!
I asked Geoff,one of the volunteers who keep our station immaculate,and he told me its practically free and who to contact....the results being...after a few emails to the (FOSCL) Friends Of Settle Carlisle Line,I have arranged a brass plaque for the bench I usually wait at,either sitting or pacing impatiently,awaiting a train.....its the seat on the left,as you pass underneath the overtrack bridge,on the South bound to Leeds platform,it is positioned in front of a modified old fashioned street lamp which stands in a flower border,(ample space for birthday flowers lol)

The plaque will read ...

PAUL A TAYLOR
SIT WITH ME AWHILE,MY FRIENDS,
FOR I HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE LINE.

I hope all my friends will remember where it is when they visit Settle walking.x

My birthday news 2nd May 2008

Oh well....here we are...1800 on May 2nd,just returned from seeing my consultant Dr Rasheed,to get results of my deep scan....

He wasnt too pleased classified the tumour as T2 NO MO if you need more reading its online in lots places....

So...its not good news,my cancer is big,and it looks as if its

invading my main artery....only the surgeon will know
in 3-4 weeks when he opens me up...if he can scape it
free and remove lung,then,with chemo,I can have a 15%
chance of a 3-5 year span,if its too attached to main
artery,then he will stitch me back up,give a course of
chemo,and wait till it takes its course,9 to 12 months
if Im lucky....we can only wait see.

Dont worry...there were lots of people in the chest
clinic,I felt sorry for them,they looked to be in
pain.....they shoot horses dont they!!!

So thats my update for you all.........keep fingers crossed

Surgery will be at St James hospital Leeds in the next 3-4 weeks,by Mr Milton....

Tarra for now xx

Tuesday PET scan

Oh well..... I went for my PET scan today,its a nuclear material fixed on a glucose IntraVeinous line,then wait an hour,so the cancer cells,being twice as active,will detect the glucose first,and frenzy feed,therefore,they will take the nuclear material up and show up on the deep scan first.

Its the way to detect if my cancer has spread...I see my Consultant Friday 1420...its my birthday,so I hope he gives me a gift of it hasnt spread beyond the left lung,and he wants to allow an operation...with some chemo,he says he then can give me 15% of survival chance in 5 years...without I got 6-9 + a further 3-6 if chemo as well....fingers crossed.


I just was thinking,looking at looking good naked on TV....if mothers milk is so full of antibodies etc...I wonder if I started drinking it,will I get a cure........any volunteers anyone lololl

Updated with picture too.....

Well...... I guess the day the consultant told me,I had cancer,I may have been slightly dazed and bewildered,plus his LCD screen was at a difficult angle to see from where I was sitting opposite him,so its maybe NOT like a new birth,a round babies head tight in the tube....(or was that all in my mind,something new growing inside me??? !!!)Or as some might say... fanny on my mind lololl hahaha

Anyway,hes sent me an email with the bronchoscope picture as I requested,its on the left..

I have a full in depth scan tomorrow taking several hours,and if on Friday,when I see the consultant at 1420 (my birthday),he sees there has been no spreading elsewhere in my body,he will recomend a surgeons opinion.

St James hospital Leeds has already called with an initial appointment for May 9th at 1020,so we will see...I know already,that symptoms are moving fast,its suprising me,mind you,he did say it will double every month,and its a month since he said that.


God bless you all for the great support Im getting....cheers chink chink

Loves you all..........x

Updates after Monday

Well.... I saw the consultant today for my results,he said I had a Non Small Cell Lung Cancer of the squamous cell type,he showed me a photo he took during biopsy last week,it suprised me as I always imagined cancers as a big monsterous angry mess but this looked like a little new flesh coloured smooth ball sat neatly in the entrance to my left lung,the bronchii,Sat in the neck of the tube it looked like a baby's head just showing at labour,strange my thoughts,and NO,I dont have fannies on my mind lol.
He told me without treatment,I may have 6 - 9 months,with chemo,maybe can add 3 - 6 months,what he would like to see is if its spread elsewhere,if not,he wants a surgeons opinion as to if its operable.
That opinion is critical as I already had lung surgery in 1980 on my right lung,and they considering the risk factors on whether the remaining lung would be strong enough should they remove the left .

I need to await a phone call,telling of appointment either at Bradford,or Leeds,for an in depth scan,then after the results,a team meeting to put all the cards on the table,either way,its all going to happen in the next 6 weeks.

He also told me he thought the tumour had ran 70 - 80% of its course,and that maybe it had been growing 18 months,this accounts for a lot of symptoms this last 15 months,including calling out the emergengy doctor one night late,last January 2007.

My one regret is seeing so many of my friends becoming upset over me,I never in my life wanted anyone to have hurt caused by me,and I know its not my fault,but Im hating seeing so much pain...Im sorry,I truly am.

Update to misery

After a while of extra illness I decided to go to my GP as I felt so wretched...I was waking at night with a feeling of drowning.My cough wouldnt go away,feet ankles calves swelling with fluid,breathless on slightest excersions.
They did all the usual tests and a X Ray,and on Thursday 3rd April 2008 my GP called me to see her earlier than appointed time.

She apologized and said that I have lung cancer lower lobe left lung and the bronchii...shes put me 'fast track' to Airdale Hospital Steeton,to get a CT scan to determine its extent and what if any treatment can be offered.She set up a patients helpline 24/7 and hopes I will be ok as I live alone,I told her I been alone most of my life and had to sort everything out,of course I will....its better alone as no one can see you cry whenever you want to...

So much for my new life and the misery goes on.....